My boy left on a plane yesterday. I didn't cry, but as I watched the plane pull away from the gate, I felt something like a pinprick within my chest. Pinpricks leave the kind of holes that don't gush all the pain out at once, but rather oozes it slowly, as if fighting to stay in. Driving home, the restless energy that had mustered inside my body began to gnaw at my legs and eventually rise into my stomach. I wanted to run. The urge was too strong to dismiss. I don't like to run, in fact, I hate it. But the trouble with stamping "never" on something, is that it's an invitation to test your resolve someday, somewhere, somehow. And so my day had come, and I tossed "never" aside and ran.
And then I thought I was going to die from hyperventilation and cardiac arrest, lol :). Yet, the pounding of my feet and heart, seemed to seal and mend that tiny hole that was left agape since the airport. This is why runners run, I surmised. Alone, in the shadows of the trees, without mental chatter and with only the sound of my breath and the occasional bird singing, I felt truly alive. The heartaches the seasons of our lives bring seem manageable when all we have to remember to do is breathe and keep going.
I realize now that I said more than one goodbye at the airport. I said goodbye to that scared, clueless young mother that I knew 10 years ago. I have been pounded, tumbled, refined and polished since then. I smiled fondly at the mother I once was, and then I thanked her for her perseverance and belief that she could change and rise up to become the mother her children needed her to be.
A new phase of mother is beginning, I can feel it. A whole new set of challenges awaits---puberty, peer relationships, middle and high school, boyfriends and girlfriends, driving, ugggh, I think I am going to be sick...and I think it's time for me to buy a real pair of trail running shoes....
Wishing you a lovely August weekend...
xoxo
Bless your heart...
ReplyDelete~Have a lovely day!
BEAUTIFUL! And BRAVO!
ReplyDeleteI get it. My oldest isn't 10 yet- but having kids of any age is to have your heart walking around outside your chest for the rest of your life. It "hurts so good" to have kids, right?
I tell my daughters they can drive at 18- but they absolutely won't need to bother with that because I'll be personally driving them to all events until they are 30.
; )
XO
This is an amazing post.
ReplyDeleteYou said, "...that tiny hole that was left agape..." Agape is such a cool word. It referred to that open hole in your heart. It's also an ancient Greek word that Wikipedia tells us means "divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love."
jeff
you are a trailblazer. truly a trailblazer.
ReplyDeletexo
yes you really do need to get some running gear mj. : ) good luck!
ReplyDeleteNow's a good time to buy running shoes ... beginning of school sales! ;D ;D Well done!
ReplyDeleteMJ, my heart aches for you, but please know all the feelings you are feeling are what all Mama's go thru. While I think being a mama is the greatest joy there is, it is also the hardest. You have so many more 'firsts' coming up and while a lot of them will be hard please remember that we are here for you. Now, go get those running shoes and hit the trails, it's a blast!
ReplyDeleteAh, a good trail run does the heart and soul so much good. I am not sure how I would manage without them. I ran this morning and just for a moment I stopped...not a sound, not even the chirp of a bird, it was magical, and just what this mama needed this morning.
ReplyDeletePeace as you travel into the new phase of motherhood. I love the pictures of this post, how you captured the light through trees of new trails. I'm so glad you've moved to such a beautiful part of the country.
ReplyDeleteAwe MJ, you describe it so easily. I can't wait to hear more stories from your new adventures in running and life.
ReplyDeleteI can only somewhat relate to what you're describing, not having kids myself, but change is something we are all going through, and I know the emotional havoc this can cause. I think I may need running shoes too. I always go for very long walks. clears my mind. but maybe running is more effective :)
ReplyDeleteSo raw and inspiring. Looking forward to reading more as time goes on about these upcoming stages in your lives, for surely you'll give us honest, wonderful perspective.
ReplyDeleteAs I watch my boys, currently sword fighting with foam swords, tumbling around laughing and yelling behind me I know a day will come when I will be watching them go off and explore on their own...without me. But I guess that is a marker of a well-adjusted child, and a mother who is loving enough to let go. I'm proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI have a hate/tolerate relationship with running but I always feel better after having done it. :)
xo
cortnie
Oh mama! I just went through that (not the running:)! My two left earlier in the year solo to see grandparents. It was so hard even though I knew they had each other. Some how we all changed a bit after that trip...every one just a bit wiser:) Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, MJ. I love the line 'I have been pounded, tumbled, refined and polished since then'. And I too have the urge to run lately. To do something active as opposed to yoga passive. Unlike me. I've even been dreaming about it - a need to sprint and like you say, feel like a cardiac episode is about to occur..to run to shake things off..or box perhaps xx
ReplyDeleteSo, so good to catch up with wanderwonderdiscover!
ReplyDeleteTook a little break from blogland last month.
Your posts are soothing. I feel so similar to how you do in so many ways; despite that in specifics we probably verge off in different beliefs. Your value and priority you place on your children, your togetherness mentality with your husband. I loved what you said in an early post about "the soap box". Funny, the exact same phrase has been running through my mind...its why I got off facebook! Such a touching story you related about your son flying off. Like you, I am standing on a precipice of sorts, one that just has a lot more striving for contentment rather than drastic change...more gradual shifts...instead of rush in...recalibrating instead of complete re-directing.
Hope August finds you running happy and resting content.
Cheers,
Leah
I love this. every word.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful~I feel those pinpricks and I love your solution!
ReplyDeleteMaybe we should run instead of get tea? great post. inspiring. thanks.
ReplyDelete