"We are all wanderers on this earth...our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams." ~ Gypsy proverb

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I am...

from the sketchbook
"If you hear a voice within you saying, 'You are not a painter,' then by all means paint... and that voice will be silenced, but only by working." ~ Vincent Van Gogh (in a letter to Theo Van Gogh, Drenthe, 28 October 1883)

How easy it is to tell ourselves what we aren't. It's true, I hover briefly over definitions, categories, titles and names, knowing well enough the power of words and the emotions we place behind them. As logically as I can tell myself that I don't need a title to want to be good at something, that little piece of ego would still like a more distinctive coat to wear, one that I can recognize self in. Artist, Photographer, Writer, Creative...I lightly run my fingers across these coats and with a sidelong glance, wonder how much "good enough" would actually cost me. Years of schooling? A bucketful of failures? A tubful of heartache and desire? A lifetime of chasing?

Or how about just one "fuck you" to fear? Sorry for the language, but the dubbed version of "flip you" just doesn't cut it when we face fear does it?

"Becoming Van Gogh" still sits with me--this tortured soul who waited until 27 years old to say F.U. to fear and finally commit to becoming a painter. He only lived ten years of his dream before he died, creating some of the most amazing work we have ever seen. He was mostly self taught, he was obsessed, and became the instrument of his creative passion.

Ok, so I am no Van Gogh, this I comfortably know, but what his story has given me is permission. Permission to be driven by passion and grow creatively unconditionally-- without excuses, without promises, without expectations. Whatever this passion might evolve to years from now,  it's still an evolution from where I am standing at this very moment.

Honestly, I feel like I am preaching to the choir here. You all are why I am here. You, who write, knit/crochet, photograph, draw, paint, work with metal, make music, sing, sew--you who can't live without being creative....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

Or do you?  

Do you let yourself wear that lovely coat that declares fearlessly and without judgement what you love to do? 

from the sketchbook
Be the dragon.
Let yourself hang out and expose your dreams.
Call yourself a creative being.
I am. In all the flawed ways I see myself, I certainly am.

xoxo

25 comments:

  1. Lovely sketches MJ! Yes, those labels sure get in the way and most often it's the labeling we do to ourselves that are the biggest obstacles! Sounds like you are overcoming this; yay! You calling yourself a creative being gives courage to me to do the same. Exposing my dreams; how truly exciting! and also scary.

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    1. Thank you Kim! And I've seen how creative you are :)!!

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  2. i love this mj. i want to be like my son and his friends and say, "avengers! assemble!" but with the words, "artists! create!" but, that wouldn't sound quite as cool. or maybe it's cooler.

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  3. I think this is one of your best posts ever MJ!
    I use to know who I was, what I was going to do each
    day and how my world was going to look. Well, I blinked,
    my children grew up and three have already left home. While I still have two sons at home, my world is different. I often find myself alone in this house and wonder how to fill the hours and endless time that lays before me. Life is all about changes and I guess I need to get with the groove!

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    1. Wow, thank you so much Tracey. You, with your many talents, I am sure you will know how to fill those hours!!

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  4. I understand exactly what you mean when sometimes the 'clean' version of an expletive will not do, does not carry the necessary energy to portray what's in the heart....I love this post.
    xoxox,
    Allison

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  5. I dislike labels so much, even more so the amount of credence I allow them to have. How much control they have over me. I feel like I have to prove myself to others if I give myself a title - herbalist, photographer, creative, etc. So I never describe myself the way I long to be seen. It's always "mother" because I can prove it. While I love to be known as "mother", it's my greatest achievement, there is so much more to me than just one word. But, because there are so many that are better at those titles than I am, I don't feel I have the right to call myself those.

    hello, Shadow....

    xoxo

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    1. Your shadow and mine are related, no doubt :). I feel the same about being mother, and like Tracey I already feel as though I've blinked, even though they are only 10 and 8. A gentle shove and magnetic pull is happening and I think the beauty of evolution is that sometimes we don't realize we are already closer to where we want to be...
      xo

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  6. labels. they are horrible. so is fear. both catch up every of so often, and then I have to say F.U. again. and again. and again... that's how it's going to stay, I'm afraid. but that's ok too xxx

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  7. Hello dear MJ!

    IT's been a while but I am really hapy to come back here and find such an inspiring post!
    For all means draw my friend!!!

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    1. hello lovely Demie!! Nice to "see" you again!!
      xo

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  8. Lovely MJ. So much I want to say, but it is so late here and the words in my head are not connecting with my fingers to type! A few explicit words once in a while I think are necessary when faced with fear. Fear needs to know it's place. Jacinta

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  9. i am going to carry your thoughts with me today {and for many days, i'm sure}. so much resonating, so much speaking, so much tugging...on my heart.

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  10. YES!!!

    (BTW, I've been having around WWD for a longish while, but I've never laughed out loud in triumphant recognition until I read this post. Writers have a good ear for diction, and there is no replacing the perfectly placed correct word. "The right word in the right place": Twain. A writer you are. And we say Thankya.)

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  11. Right now you are my hero. I needed to hear all of the things you just said. I needed it in a way I didn't even realize. Thank you for being brave and sharing these words.

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  12. Yes, yes you are! Oh my goodness are those ever beautiful too!

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  13. good maude girl, i heart you. big ole juicy heart you.
    xo

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  14. It's a constant battle, I think. Especially when vying for the "good enough" adoration of of yourself/others. But, alas, it's what artists usually do. Seek approval from ourselves and others.

    I've put myself out there all my life. Some good things have come of it and some broken hearts, certainly. But you know what...when you put yourself out there, you're living your dream.
    the rest?
    Fuck it.
    XO

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  15. Oh sister
    thank you for these words of inspiration and truth
    they have gone straight to my soul today
    I here you loud and clear
    fuck yeah!!!!

    love and light

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  16. just last night someone asked me if I was a photographer. I said, ".....no...well.....y...eeeesss....", a great amount of pause to my voice. ".....but..... well.... yes. yes. YES!"

    Fuck you to fear!!!

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  17. I love you, MJ! Whenever I stop by to visit your space here I always find the right words waiting for me. And THESE are the words I needed right NOW. I can't tell you how much I browse those creative coats and feel embarrassed and unworthy to wear the damn things! I want to say Fuck You to fear to. I'll start today.

    xoox
    cortnie

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  18. yes, i wear the fearless creative coat! ..... now. it took me many years. longer than mr gogh.

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  19. This post takes my breath away...

    Oh I try desperately to wear that coat without fear, and some days do so more comfortably than others. It is the inspiration of you, and many spirited creative blogging mamas, that help me along!

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“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
~ George Bernard Shaw