What's going on here

Sometimes I liken my brain to a crowded train station full of traveling feelings, working hard to get to where they need to go. Often times they get stuck, delayed, or off on the wrong train. I can usually stand in the corner and watch these feelings pass by me. I see every single one, but most I may ignore until they are really lost. Then, if I choose to, I can tap them on the shoulder and show them the way out. The choice is always mine. The past couple days, I have been letting them stay lost. I really am not ready to get out from underground yet, but I know it's time.

Worry was here:
Little M. was in the E.R. this weekend. She's been really sick for the past 5 days with a terribly insidious stomach virus. She is finally getting better now thank goodness, but she hadn't eaten and barely drank anything for 4 days. She has lost so much weight, her body is like a thin and fragile wire frame. She is gaining strength now, though I feel like an eager food pusher watching her every move. I don't have to tell you what that's like, to see your babe get so sick and have every worst scenario enter your mind.

Joy passed by:
We have a contract on the house :). We found this out the same day I was in the hospital with M., so while I was grappling with worry, joy passed by.  What's left is some cautious optimism, we need a good appraisal for this contract to stick. Now we wait, and hope...

Fear came back:
Please forgive this bluntness, there is no soft way to write this. One of our young neighbors (14) may have been violated sexually on Sunday. I can't seem to type the other word. She was alone at home, there were six teenage boys, and it was the middle of the day. We don't know all the facts yet, but what we do know is enough. My heart goes out to her and her family. And now you know what I've been sitting with the past couple days.  My blinds have remained drawn and the doors locked. I had worked hard to get comfortable enough to let E. play on the driveway or in the front yard without constant vigilance. And now that is lost, fear has returned, and I am tired from the swirl of emotions that has flooded me this past weekend.

And now where to go from here. I know I get to say when enough is enough. Good and bad things happen, and we get to decide what we dwell upon, how we dwell upon them and how long. I am back at the train station, and the choice is still mine. Today, I have decided it will be different. Perhaps not normal, but better. Today I will seek out joy, I will seek out fun, I will seek out faith and happiness, and I will help these emotions find their way out. Today, my blinds will be opened. Today we will play outside. Today I will not worry about M and her weight. Today I will not dwell on what may or may not happen. Today I will remember the sweet things in life, and I will pray for peace and solace to those who need it most. And then today, I will remember to smile :)...

much love and joy to you...
xx oo

"Faith is knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof." ~ Kahlil Gibran

In a culture obsessed with proof, I gladly float among uncertainty.  I gladly look upon my children in wonder, knowing that I have no idea of what they will become.  I confess that I sometimes make choices out of fear, or let other people's fear seep into mine.  But, that fear is no longer blind.  I can stare fear in the face and boldly challenge it, knowing there is nothing I need to prove to anyone.  I gladly concede my need to prove--prove that I am a good mom, prove that I am making the right decisions, prove that my children will be happy one day, or successful.  I gladly concede that need to prove, for faith and trust in them, in me, and in the nature of all things. 

What I will offer instead of proof, is a promise to myself and to them.  My promise is that I will always give them my best.  And to them, I promise that they will never need to prove anything to me beyond what they need to prove to themselves.  If they can find worth from within, not from anyone else, and if they can find the ability to face fears, climb them, and then maybe turn them into something good, then I know my faith has prevailed beyond any burden of proof.

Hope everyone had a beautiful, peaceful weekend :)!!

"Breaking up is hard to do." ~ Neil Sedaka

Fear and perfectionism have been good friends of mine for many years. They have kept me out of trouble and completely risk free. They have made sure that everything always appeared good, despite how I felt. And they have kept me from starting anything new unless I really had a good handle and knowledge about what I was about to embark on-- you know, so I would look like I knew what I was doing.  Well, in the past few years, we have had a falling out, me, fear and perfectionism. When I realized that they fall into that friendship category of "energy suckers", I started to try to break free. Slowly, but with renewed confidence, I started standing up to fear and telling her that I didn't care if she hung around, she can't hold me back anymore, and I will do what I truly want, despite her presence. And perfectionism, well, I just told her it would be a lie to remain friends with her. I told her I could never live up to her ideals, and I really don't want to. I told her that I am imperfect, flawed, and feel free being that way.

Well, let me tell you, they didn't like hearing any of it, and they still try to come into my life and tell me that I am making a mistake. I tell them that I am okay with making mistakes. Making mistakes is what gives me the strength to be who I am and who I grow to be. Yeah, fear and perfectionism, they still still hang around, hoping that I might come crawling back to them. But I have other friends now, friends that have always been there, but just seemed to have stepped up to the plate to bat for me. Courage and forgiveness. Without courage and forgiveness, change would be impossible, growth would be improbable. Thanks you, courage and forgiveness and welcome...