"We are all wanderers on this earth...our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams." ~ Gypsy proverb

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Big Dig

Excuses.  I've made them many times.  I think it's only natural when I feel I have to protect something, usually my ego.  But recently I read a thread somewhere where a mom was complaining about a parenting article she read.  She argued that the people who wrote that article (promoting peaceful parenting), probably never had really difficult children of their own.  She argued that when she tried peaceful parenting methods, her child chewed these methods up and spit them back out.  "It doesn't work" she complained, and discounted the validity of the article itself. 

I can understand her pain.  Change is not easy.  Change sucks sometimes.  It's slow and takes time.  But, it takes consistency and persistence, too.  And in the midst of all of that, tears, fears, and exasperation will assuredly flow.  It's hard to trust the process, especially when there is no trust between the parents and children, and no trust in themselves.  I am not patient, though many people believe that I am.  I am not laid back, though it may appear that way.  And I am not a special breed of parent that can parent this way.  What I am more than anything is a changed parent.  What I wanted more than anything was a different me.  I wanted to reach out to her and say-- it's okay, I've been there, and that it does work.  But I also wanted to ask--how willing are you?  How committed are you?  Do you want change bad enough?  Because if you do, you will have to prove it to them, and to yourself, over and again.

I wanted it so much that I was willing to do the work to make that change.  I cried.  They cried.  I yelled.  I slammed doors.  It was very very hard.  I liken it to swimming across a large body of rough, gray waters.  The other side is peace, respect, and a whole new relationship-- a wonderfully close and loving relationship.  I could give up the swim and turn back.  Or, I could tough it out and feel the burn.  When we get a glimpse of how it could be, I believe there is no other option than feeling the burn.  I chose to tough it out.  I talked to my children all the time about what I was feeling, how I was acting, and how I had hoped to respond.  And with all that difficulty and pain, something was happening.  Healing.  Forgiveness.  Vulnerability.  Raw honesty.  I could have believed that this way of parenting would never have worked for me, and I did question myself many times.  But, true healing and true change comes from digging.  I call it the "Big Dig".  I had to find me, the real me, before I could give it to my children.  I was armed with a sincere (perhaps even desperate) desire to change and the willingness to bear discomfort by digging into my emotional past.  I also found support.  Support is imperative, whether it's through books, through parenting groups, and through like-minded parents, and parents who inspire that change is possible.  But if anyone wants sympathy, excuses, or reasons why it wouldn't work, those can be found, too.  Those, are everywhere.

much love
xx oo

24 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. Your story is inspiring - it's so rare for a family to embrace change the way you have. It does take raw honesty, vulnerability, and a number of other things to admit you're not on the right track. The beautiful thing is, not only does that raw honesty and vulnerability heal your family, but it spreads and inspires others: like me:)

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  2. Awesome MJ-so beautiful and needed right now. I had a crazy morning today and I had to dig really deep not to go off my rocker completely. This is not to say that I didn't dig a behavioral hole but I found a graceful way out of it and lessons learned for the next time.
    I think we are a lot alike-I am not naturally patient or laid back. I could even be called "spirited". :) Thanks for your inspiration!

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  3. I knew the first day I became a mom that my parenting would be different than what I received. My upbringing wasn't bad, just totally military and to this "flower child" it was hard. I have found in my 28 years of being a mom that I take each day as it comes and to remember to "exhale". Peaceful parenting---totally doable! Have a fantastic Tuesday.

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  4. Wonderful post MJ. Parenting is such a struggle sometimes though worth every minute. Finding our true selves I think is a constant motion that can sometimes be harder than others...

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  5. i think i had a breakthrough on the path of peaceful parenting when i shifted away from what would "work" and get the "results" and instead towards doing the parenting i felt good about, regardless of results, but just because i believed in it. i guess i took a detour, or said "i don't care" or dismissed myself from having to meet any standards at all, but my own. they are probably right when they say it doesn't work, but they are defining what works by a whole different set of standards than me, in a whole different paradigm from where i stand. but i do get it- it is hard to be vulnerable when you've spent your whole life knowing only to do anything you can to prevent being vulnerable.

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  6. I am so glad that I found this this morning. It is so true and so affirming. This change thing is hard work, just like anything that is worthwhile. Oh, but the rewards are there if the intention is strong enough (and sometimes it isn't), so we stumble around looking for awesome blog posts to get us back on track!

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  7. A really beautiful and inspiring post MJ. Thank you x

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  8. Thank you for this post. I am in the process of trying to make my own changes, so it is heartening to hear that others have gone through it and succeeded :)

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  9. So well stated, so thoughtful. Thanks for your honesty. It is so hard to be present, to make choices that will sometimes not change the moment, but impact the future. Wow. Raising my latte cup to you in *cheers.*

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  10. Excellent post. I loved your honesty and humility, your lack of preaching and judgement.

    It really is about the turning up at every moment and consciously giving it a go.

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  11. MJ, this was beautiful! And it really resonated...you said it so well, What I wanted more than anything was a different me." I feel like this a lot. I want to change my knee-jerk reactions, the things that feel hard-wired in how I deal with the frustration that comes with raising young children. Ahhhh, it's so, so difficult. But I really want to change and I think I'm on the right path. Thanks for your inspiring story!

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  12. I've been thinking about this post for a couple hours now...what did you mean by "digging into my emotional past"? I haven't really explored that aspect of why I parent the way I do. Hmmmm....

    Also, was there a favorite book that you could recommend about peaceful parenting?

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  13. oh, how brave of you to be so open and honest about the obstacles in peaceful parenting. change is difficult thing to do, but your non-judgmental encouragement is so affirming and inspiring. there are so many times in a week that i find myself regretting an action or decision, but (like you) i try to be open and honest and humble with my daughter and let her know that i made a mistake, i struggle, and i'm trying to be better and that in a family, we help each other and forgive each other. it's been so improtant and helpful to cultivate compassion in myself, for myself and for others. i think that has begun to reflect in mayumi's personality, too! it is a beautiful thing.

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  14. What an amzing post MJ.I saw a post on facebook that said '101 things to do to avoid spanking or shouting at your children'
    I hate shouting at my girls, because it feels unatural and hugely stressful for everyone involoved.I do have weak moments (who , doesn't ?) but it is important to try, and not beat yourself up too much in the process.
    I willalways be a better mother tomorrow, than I was today x

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  15. A wise and beautiful post. Thank you!!

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  16. I cannot tell you how timely and helpful your post is … Just at the exact moment when I was hoping that my efforts to change the way I parent would bring the rewards I so desperately want but starting to doubt that they ever could … you give me that extra support. And thus my energy and determination are renewed! Thank you so much.

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  17. Our children trust us when we are honest. Once they trust us, they want to please us from the heart, not from fear of consequence(in the meantime we realize that we like them, as people). So glad that you have found the secret to your children's hearts! Enjoy the fruit forever.

    Blessings, Debbie

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  18. Beautiful post MJ. To parent children consciously and peacefully often feels hard, but the results are so rewarding. I definitely have my faults, but I have the courage to own up to them. All three of my children have come into this world to teach me to be a better person, a better mother. It certainly hasn't been all rosy, but the hard stuff has made me who I am today and I have to thank my children for that. My eldest is blossoming into a very considerate and thoughful girl, albiet, she can be firey, but I don't want to put out her flame by any means.

    I can recommend a beautiful Australia author by the name of Pinky McKay. She writes about gentle parenting for babies, toddlers and beyond. I know her personally and she is by far the best in her field. There is some scary stuff out there when it comes to parenting 'experts', but she is not one of them. She has 5 children of her own, so goes without saying, she knows her stuff.

    Anyway, I could go on and on, but will stop there. Jacinta

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  19. MJ this is a beautiful and honest post. I love how you describe the process of moving to being a peaceful parent -- that it isn't for the faint! As you know I too am trying, but in pretty early stages really.

    Thank you for your encouragement and inspiration!

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  20. MJ, this is so wonderful! So thoughtful and so honest - two things I respect and admire in you. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I've found that parenting has brought out things in me I didn't know were there - good and bad which have required me to look more closely at what moves me. I'm going to have a peek into your library for book recommendations.

    Thanks always for pushing me to reflect and respond rather than just reacting to the moments in our days.

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  21. This post really is wonderful! I loved it the moment I read it, and now I've finally gotten here to comment myself. Thank you for sharing such honesty with your readers.

    I, also, have been working on changing my parenting. One of the comments above mentioned being "spirited"...well I am decidedly spirited, as are both of my girls! I definitely have my work cut out for me, becoming a peaceful parent. But, like you, I want very much to succeed in becoming a changed me :)

    Thanks again.

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  22. Thank you for your honesty. It IS hard. The honesty, I think, is so crucial to parenting. All the times I have said I was sorry and explained to my girls why my behavior was way less than prime. It's great for kids to see us as humans, and not just parents.

    I've read a few books: Conscious Parenting and Playful Parenting. Both are good, and neither are my bibles. What I've found is that once the decision is made to be honest/conscious in parenting, the path is clear. Not easy by any means, but clear.
    You rock.
    XOXOX

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  23. I have read and reread this post now…many times. Each time, something new comes. It is beautiful. Raw, open, real. Beautiful.

    MJ, this is one of the huge reasons I come here, and keep coming. I love words (and blogs) like this. Words that cut through to the Real. That are honest, soul-bearing, joy embracing, all-the-way-through You. And I am so grateful to find someone like you, who is willing to follow this parenting path and write these words. Thank you. SO much!

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  24. I love your realness in this post. I always love reading reminders such as this. Thanks for your openess! Although I don't know what constitutes the emotional past you mentioned, I too struggle to let go of the "broken records" from my childhood. But my girls are worth the effort!

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“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
~ George Bernard Shaw