"We are all wanderers on this earth...our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams." ~ Gypsy proverb

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Remember and refresh

This was me on my very first day going to school in Japan. My dad in this picture was 41 years old, exactly as old as I am now. It is strange isn't it, to think of how are parents were at the age we are now? I wonder what he thought of, what his hopes were, and when he was his happiest. These are things that I had would have asked him knowing what I know now--knowing what it feels like to be a parent, how it gives us our best and our worst moments, knowing that it would shape us in ways we could have never imagined once we decided to become parents.

I haven't talked about our parenting too much since, well, since a lot of things. Since we moved to Colorado, since the kids went back to school, since they have been back home for the summer. Though the days of freshly written thoughts and changes regarding unschooling and peaceful parenting seem to have passed, the days of living these principles the best way we can have not. I have much cause to remember and re-familiarize myself with those writings recently. The new air we breathe here has been fantastic and life affirming, but it has also been challenging in the sense of reminding me that how we live is rare, and the rarity of our lifestyle is extremely evident to the new friends and families we have surrounded ourselves with.  It is for this reason that I must remember where we came from and how hard we worked to get here. Strangely enough, the other day I found myself reminding my son not to get too confident with his knife that he whittles with, that it's when we get too comfortable that carelessness can cause us to slip and make mistakes. How true this is with any skill.

And yes, parenting is a skill, an earned ability that continues to hone itself with each new age and each new challenge our relationship presents us with. We are not parents just by the right of biology, we have to earn this title as with any job that we commit to. And we are accountable though we may believe we have no one to answer to but ourselves. We have our children, our community, their futures, and even their children that we may be accountable to.

And we are rare, those of us who aim to parent peacefully and respectfully. Just yesterday a neighborhood parent of ours commented on a choice we made with our child. "Hmmm," he said, " I usually see these rules as black or white in my book, either they do what they are told, or they don't." Hubs and I looked at each other and smiled. Hubs said "We have a lot of gray areas in our parenting, A LOT", to which I agreed and added, "Yeah, it took us a lot to find the gray."

I see that everyday. I have no cause to judge harshly those that do not parent the way we do. At least I try not to with as much compassion as I can muster. I myself was not a child raised this way, nor did we ourselves begin with parenting respectfully. Those reasons stand alone in helping me try to understand, relate, and even remain silent, though my urge is to shout out how much I believe in what we are doing. I left those soap box days in complete acknowledgement that we cannot "teach" anybody anything, unless they are ripe with the strongest desire to change. I try to see how other parents must see us. I had one mother ask me, kindly, if we had rules and boundaries for the kids to follow. I was surprised at this question because I had no idea that the way we lived spoke that loudly to others.

Perhaps we are an enigma to some of the families we have met. How is it that we have children that are so polite, respectful, able to  meet anyone eye-to-eye and have conversations with them? How is it that they are so extroverted, outspoken, certainly precocious, and still kind and considerate? How is it that they can play with kids of all ages, be so self-motivated and so independent? How is it that we can trust them with ladders, knives, archery sets, to scooter around the neighborhood withOUT a helmet? How is it that we are so close, so open, so communicative with our children? How is it that these kids know all about resentments, and can approach other 8 and 10 year olds telling them that it hurts when they ignore her?  How is it that these children are all these things without harsh rules, punishments, consequences, and authoritarian parenting? I will be first to say that it isn't by any of our "teachings". These things just seem to naturally evolve when we treat them as individuals with their own needs, passions, wants, problems--when we treat them as people and not just our responsibilities, when we model and genuinely view them compassionately and unconditionally.  No, they aren't angels by any means. If anything, their development of free will has created some new challenges, but nothing that we can't handle together....always together.

This post is going far longer than I had originally planned. I feel like I have so much more to say, so much more to share. Like how do we know we need to change? How do we know our relationship with our children is suffering? How do we know if we are making mistakes with our parenting, and how do we get better? I feel like I have to tell somebody or I will burst. Lucky for me that I have a place to share, lucky for you that you have a choice to read or to not read. These ideas aren't new of course, they weren't new ideas when I discovered them. But what they can do for any family, if they believe in them, is very very new. And this I believe, is worth sharing.


much love and peace
xoxo


13 comments:

  1. beautiful post mj. i'm with you, it's not black and white but a lot of grey. the grey is where they learn and we learn right along with them.

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  2. To second Amanda, it is a beautiful post MJ. I am not sure, but from reading your posts over the last year I think you and I were raised a lot a like. My parenting is about as different from how I was raised as I could make it. I love being a parent although it can be very hard sometimes. I feel there is much grey in a lot of this world, I just wish others did too.

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  3. Beautiful post. I think you hit the nail on the head, a whole lot of grey - the space where we (child and parents) learn, grow and change.

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  4. Wonderfully put my friend. I am certainly feeling that change these days as our kiddos grow and become more independent from us. Thanks for reminding me that the grey is ok and that we can grow from it...The grey scares me sometimes, especially with a girl in the throws of puberty.

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  5. thank you for this today, supports what i have been going through these last couple of weeks. with a constantly questioning 4yr-old, i have to remind, constantly, that i love her this way, that i want to support this belief that she has a right to a reasonable answer.

    she already asks permission for so much. that when she questions every request i make, i know i have to respect her and give her a reasonable answer. it's so so soooo tiring. :)
    how tempting it is to blurt - because i say so! lol it's right there on the tip of my tongue. i swallow it, and admire her instead.

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  6. Thanks for this post. Recently I found that my partner and I were disagreeing about one of the areas that I thought should be gray and she thought should be black and white.... and then again an area that I feel should be black and white and she sees as gray. Too bad our boy isn't going to sleep so easily at night so that we could have time and space to discuss these things before they come up in the moment. maybe we should include this info in our love notes?? wink.

    Yesterday I came across this a quote by kittie franz, "you are not managing an inconvenience, you are raising a human being".

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  7. amen sister! della told me yesterday, with quivering lips but a strong voice that she was not able to apologize because she did not feel that she was wrong and that the other child had exaggerated the story. high five, little girl! high five to gray and high five to writing it in a post to remind us all! and high five to helmetless scootering!

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  8. Beautiful. And inspiring. Yes, let's swim in the gray waters.

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  9. So poignant, MJ - I was just talking about some of these same things today with a friend. I'm pretty sure my husband and I are living in a sea of grey, often times feeling like we're just treading water. I would also love to know of a barometer that tells you if you're in some kind of parenting 'red zone' but the only one I know of is your own heart.

    I'm encouraged and inspired by your parenting choices.

    xo
    cortnie

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  10. Enjoy those grey areas! I think half the 'battle' of parenting is having the support of your partner. Jacinta

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  11. What a beautiful post and what a sweet picture of you and your father! Your daughter looks so much like you!!!

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  12. Lovely post MJ; thank you for sharing. I look forward to more. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. I too get the same comments you do from time to time. Although we are not without a lot of challenges, I think we have chosen a peaceful route-even if things don't always end peacefully. I definitely choose my battles. I love that photo of you and your dad. Please continue to share.
    xoxo

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“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
~ George Bernard Shaw