You're so fluffy

My daughter calls me "Fluffy" at least once every day. Sometimes when her classmates see me at school they'll say to my daughter, "Hey! There's your fluffy!"

Yesterday, she said "Mom, you're a five day weekend!"

This is what abundant feels like.
This is what a loving relationship with our children feels like.

My kids' sicknesses (on separate days no less) gave me a chance to spend one-on-one time with each of them. This is a gift I don't take too lightly anymore since we left homeschooling. They bring out the best in  me (yes the worst too but we aren't talking about that right now) and I hope to all goodness that I bring out the best in them, too...

Sometimes I try too hard. I try hard by doing too much and getting caught up in what I think is good for them. I get overrun with to-do lists and schedules and tiredness, and I forget that what's most important in my relationship with my children is to HAVE FUN and to be joyful. Our children, whether we like it or not, are invested in our emotional health. They know when we are stressed, they know when we are sad, they know when we are feeling like shit. And do you know what they want more than anything?

They want us to be fluffy. They want us to be fluffy, light and happy. When we are happy, they are happy. When we have fun, they have fun.

It's really that simple.

Reality will always be there for you. But your kids won't.

So be fluffy. Be joyful. Your time with them is too short.

Much love to you and
Happy five day weekend

xoxo

Remember and refresh

This was me on my very first day going to school in Japan. My dad in this picture was 41 years old, exactly as old as I am now. It is strange isn't it, to think of how are parents were at the age we are now? I wonder what he thought of, what his hopes were, and when he was his happiest. These are things that I had would have asked him knowing what I know now--knowing what it feels like to be a parent, how it gives us our best and our worst moments, knowing that it would shape us in ways we could have never imagined once we decided to become parents.

I haven't talked about our parenting too much since, well, since a lot of things. Since we moved to Colorado, since the kids went back to school, since they have been back home for the summer. Though the days of freshly written thoughts and changes regarding unschooling and peaceful parenting seem to have passed, the days of living these principles the best way we can have not. I have much cause to remember and re-familiarize myself with those writings recently. The new air we breathe here has been fantastic and life affirming, but it has also been challenging in the sense of reminding me that how we live is rare, and the rarity of our lifestyle is extremely evident to the new friends and families we have surrounded ourselves with.  It is for this reason that I must remember where we came from and how hard we worked to get here. Strangely enough, the other day I found myself reminding my son not to get too confident with his knife that he whittles with, that it's when we get too comfortable that carelessness can cause us to slip and make mistakes. How true this is with any skill.

And yes, parenting is a skill, an earned ability that continues to hone itself with each new age and each new challenge our relationship presents us with. We are not parents just by the right of biology, we have to earn this title as with any job that we commit to. And we are accountable though we may believe we have no one to answer to but ourselves. We have our children, our community, their futures, and even their children that we may be accountable to.

And we are rare, those of us who aim to parent peacefully and respectfully. Just yesterday a neighborhood parent of ours commented on a choice we made with our child. "Hmmm," he said, " I usually see these rules as black or white in my book, either they do what they are told, or they don't." Hubs and I looked at each other and smiled. Hubs said "We have a lot of gray areas in our parenting, A LOT", to which I agreed and added, "Yeah, it took us a lot to find the gray."

I see that everyday. I have no cause to judge harshly those that do not parent the way we do. At least I try not to with as much compassion as I can muster. I myself was not a child raised this way, nor did we ourselves begin with parenting respectfully. Those reasons stand alone in helping me try to understand, relate, and even remain silent, though my urge is to shout out how much I believe in what we are doing. I left those soap box days in complete acknowledgement that we cannot "teach" anybody anything, unless they are ripe with the strongest desire to change. I try to see how other parents must see us. I had one mother ask me, kindly, if we had rules and boundaries for the kids to follow. I was surprised at this question because I had no idea that the way we lived spoke that loudly to others.

Perhaps we are an enigma to some of the families we have met. How is it that we have children that are so polite, respectful, able to  meet anyone eye-to-eye and have conversations with them? How is it that they are so extroverted, outspoken, certainly precocious, and still kind and considerate? How is it that they can play with kids of all ages, be so self-motivated and so independent? How is it that we can trust them with ladders, knives, archery sets, to scooter around the neighborhood withOUT a helmet? How is it that we are so close, so open, so communicative with our children? How is it that these kids know all about resentments, and can approach other 8 and 10 year olds telling them that it hurts when they ignore her?  How is it that these children are all these things without harsh rules, punishments, consequences, and authoritarian parenting? I will be first to say that it isn't by any of our "teachings". These things just seem to naturally evolve when we treat them as individuals with their own needs, passions, wants, problems--when we treat them as people and not just our responsibilities, when we model and genuinely view them compassionately and unconditionally.  No, they aren't angels by any means. If anything, their development of free will has created some new challenges, but nothing that we can't handle together....always together.

This post is going far longer than I had originally planned. I feel like I have so much more to say, so much more to share. Like how do we know we need to change? How do we know our relationship with our children is suffering? How do we know if we are making mistakes with our parenting, and how do we get better? I feel like I have to tell somebody or I will burst. Lucky for me that I have a place to share, lucky for you that you have a choice to read or to not read. These ideas aren't new of course, they weren't new ideas when I discovered them. But what they can do for any family, if they believe in them, is very very new. And this I believe, is worth sharing.


much love and peace
xoxo

Oh mama...

I have a confession to share. I have been a bad mommy. Living in a small, temporary space (900 sq. foot), navigating in a brand new and unfamiliar town, and frantically searching for a suitable and affordable place to call home, as well as hunting for the beds and furniture to fill it, has brought out a stressed and overwhelmed mama. And in my hungry search for routine and normalcy, I've been neglectful, even angry, at the seemingly excessive needs of my children. Though I am fully aware that they are as overwhelmed and out of sorts as I am, if not more, their neediness grasped for more attention than I wanted to give. So, instead of a patient and kind mom, they got a resentful and snippety mom. Yuck. I felt it, I knew it, and yet I wanted to sit in this defiant mud bath for awhile. The human strikes again, in all its indignant glory. I can see the reason in it. I can be kind to myself and appreciate it as a normal reaction to life events. Yet, there is so much responsibility in indulging in these feelings. Little eyes are watching, little hearts are feeling, little minds are absorbing.  I knew I had to snap out of it, or at least have a good, cathartic cry, and I did. I climbed into the shower and just let the tears pour...



Tears are like magic aren't they? When we release them, suddenly letting go is so much easier. The feelings had served their purpose in letting me know what was going on inside, but now I had to choose to focus on what was really important, my children and helping them handle their emotions, too. I had some mending to do with my babes and there is one remedy that works over and again. First, the apology. Second, we needed to have fun together--time to play and time to laugh, in whatever manner they chose. Oh, the smiles we receive when we can show our children that despite all of our adult worries, that we can still make them feel important, and that we can have good, honest F-U-N. Children thrive on it, and we should, too.

So there was frisbee soccer, there was swimming in the rec. pool and sliding down the water slide, there was snuggling and loving, there was listening to all their projects and their stories, there was signing up for volunteering at the Humane Society for dog walking, and there was talk of their hopes, their desires, and what they want out of all of this. And right now, *sigh*, what they really want is a dog......good god let there be mercy on me...

Hope you have a fantastic and invigorating weekend filled with FUN!!!
xoxo

p.s. I think this could still be loosely linked to Joy Pockets and This Moment, yes?

Oh deer!! And the "why"

Okay okay, this Florida girl is enamored. Other than when we stayed in Virginia for a time, having deer in the backyard is certainly a new event for us. But I must ask the seasoned deer watchers, is it normal for deer to lounge in the backyard, among houses and neighboring children on their swingsets, all... day... long?  I found it so strange!!

We were actually able to go outside and just stand within 30 feet of them. They seemed perfectly comfortable--not necessarily tame, just comfortable. This can't be a good thing can it? They did finally leave around dusk, and now I find myself looking out every morning for our wandering neighbors to visit again :).

The Why
Lately, no--actually since we put the house on the market over a year ago, and now since we've arrived in Boulder, the "why" of moving has become a regular question, from friends, family, and new people we have met here. Why did we leave Florida, why did we choose Colorado (originally Virginia), why this big transition and risk, especially when our entire family and all that my children have known is still in FL? I did find two posts about this dated in November 2010 and January 2011, shortly after I started the blog, when my readership was 2.

"The grass is greener where you water it..."

"If we don't change we don't grow, if we don't grow, we are not really living~ Gail Sheehy"

Something happens when two people with the same dreams get together. I will never forget that date in the tiny sushi restaurant.  F. and I sat face to face interrogating each other on our hopes and ideas for the future. We both were moved by nature---specifically mountains, forests, hiking, and an outdoor lifestyle. We both had experiences growing up that anchored our spirituality in these places. Our feelings were indescribable, yet completely identifiable...we were on common ground. Coming from different parts of the world, and having moved frequently as children, we both knew that Florida was not the end place for us.

After that the rest seemed to flow naturally--love, marriage, children, then a nice big house with a pool. We had everything we wanted, except that one big dream that we shared together in that sushi restaurant. We almost let it go. We reasoned that we had a wonderful life, why change anything? Yes, maybe we felt that something was missing, that somewhere we weren't completely satisfied. But wasn't what we had enough to pacify us, to say, it's okay, life IS good just the way it is?

When the economy tanked, that was when the idea that we would really stay in Florida hit me. It was a tough blow. I realized that I had hung onto that dream, even if only by a thread, knowing that I really felt that I--that WE--belonged elsewhere. That was four years ago. I wish I could say that there was some spectacular event that made us kick caution and comfort to the curb, when we purposefully stepped off the beaten path and onto the one less traveled. Reflecting on it now, I will say this:

Unschooling, peaceful parenting, and transforming our thinking from one of robotic existence to one of following our joy changed our lives completely.

We had a major shift within our understanding, that the only thing that stands in the way of positive change is our own belief, that for whatever reason, we just can't do it. The economy, a mortgage, a job, family, money, there will always be really good reasons not to follow our dreams. We finally came to understand that our reasons to actually follow our hearts, were better. Even if we fail, even if/when we make mistakes, lose, cry, falter, at least we know we tried. We gave it a shot. We had to try, following our joy left us with no other option. Isn't this what it's all about?

I fear I have rambled on a bit, but now you know. We are in a place that we have always dreamed about, a place that we can walk out the front door and mountains (though they call them hills here :) are there to greet us every morning. Here is a place that we can commune with nature, and be fulfilled spiritually. We are in a place where our children can understand the importance of their environment, their planet, their beginnings, and perhaps begin to grasp what spirituality really is.

I am so happy to be able to share this with you, maybe even inspire you in some way, to remember some lost dream that perhaps still hangs by a thread. Anything is possible. Anything.

xoxo

ps. I meant to join in Cory's Thrifty Thursday today, but obviously got sidetracked. Please go and visit her link up for thrifting prowess-ness!

Whispers to keep me awake

I was up way too late last night. Every one else was in bed and I just wasn't ready for sleep. I browsed Netflix's documentaries instead, not really expecting to find anything to stay awake to, and then I did.

Back in July, I linked "whispering for horses" to a trailer for a documentary called "Buck".  I have wanted to see the film ever since and waited for it to show up at the theaters, though it never did (around here). But I found the documentary last night on instant streaming, and though I am tired right now, I have no regrets about taking this little detour. Here is the trailer again, if you haven't seen it:

If you love horses, then of course you will love this film, but what I took away was a deeper understanding that a relationship with a horse is not unlike a relationship with another human being, except one thing. You can be guaranteed that a horse will always be honest with you from the very beginning.  If you have treated them unjustly, without compassion or respect, they will reflect that back to you as clear as any mirror. The parallels here to parenting a child were so striking to me, and Buck's ability to intuitively understand this, being an abused child himself, was moving.

Horse whispering, like peaceful parenting, is about the mutual love and respect between two souls. We are so connected that how we feel about ourselves will translate to how we treat those nearest to us. Buck talks about the "dance" that happens between him and the horse, how there is a balance between gentleness and firmness, and force never enters the equation. The language of love and dignity, pain or neglect, has no boundaries among humans and the amazing animals we love. This film is about understanding the souls and spirits of horses, and treating them with the kind of respect that every soul should treat another with, including ourselves.

I hope you get to see this film..
much love to you
xoxo