Another smack in the head

Ok, I admit it, I am having a hard time lately. Sometimes it takes me awhile to know that something is wrong until it comes and smacks me upside the head. It could be the season, but I know I am not an easy going mama. I wish I was, but I am not. I can be lost in my head and still walk around with that perfectionist thinking, obliviously, with high expectations for everything and everyone, but mostly myself. Sometimes I get little warning signs that these feelings are happening, like a mosquito buzzing around your ear that you can't see. But, it isn't until I am sucked bone dry when I realize I am starving for something.

I have a quote taped to my computer (so much for that idea--I'll have to tape it to my forehead). "Expectations are pre-planned resentments". I have no idea who said it and even Google couldn't tell me. Regardless, I have them--I wake up and I have a plan, I have lists--of what I want to accomplish, where I "need" to go or do, or what the kids should could be doing.  It is how I have always accomplished anything. But I have discovered something about this productivity-induced behavior of mine.  It clouds my judgment of what really should be the most important part of my everyday--relationships, connection, and more importantly--presence and peace. In fact, I think the lists end up being a distraction to try to find fulfillment, when fulfillment can be found simply by just stopping and slowing down.

When I begin to "race"--against whom or what I don't know--I expect my kids to keep up with me. I forget that productivity is no where in a child's vocabulary, BUT--happiness and connection are. They want to connect with me all day long, asking me to play with them and in their stories. When I am lost in my "to-do" I forget this, and I forget my own need for nurturing. It's wonderful how my children can love and nurture naturally, even knowing when I need it. In their eyes, I have no need to race or to accomplish anything.  It's as simple as getting down on the floor to play. They know exactly how to find happiness and they naturally will gravitate towards it if I just let them--if I just follow them instead of trying to lead all the time. One day they will learn their own definition of success, and I only hope that it won't be the same as mine.  I can't say I will ever stop the lists, they are just a part of how I do things. Perhaps I can just change the order in which I write my to-do's, with peace and presence always at the top.