Chasing light

Light:

1) A cat on a harness and leash. We didn't declaw our cat, we adopted him that way. Yet I couldn't help feeling so badly for him as his howls begging to go outside just squeezed my heart so earnestly. And so now he has supervised visits and he beams :).

2) A losing team winning an entire tournament. It's true, up until this weekend, my son's soccer team has lost every single game. This weekend, they played 4 teams in two days and left undefeated, with medals and a trophy. And yes, we all were beaming :).

3) Signs to push forward. Ever since I wrote that post last week on writing, I've been getting signals beginning with this in my inbox the very next day. That knot in my stomach has always been the edge of the precipice, an extreme feeling of discomfort like I'm going to gag any minute, and the compelling desire to fiercly protect my fragile ego. It is the bondage to being human we are all born with. I have failed so many times, I wonder why it never gets easier? The good news is that I am here and I am still writing and for me, that still counts.

4) Art retreat!!!!  For anyone that loves making things, from novice to expert, art retreats are balms for the creative soul. If you have been reading here awhile then you may remember how Squam had a significant impact on me over a year ago.Well how lucky am I that a woman named Ali decided to create an art retreat for those of us here in the west. The Makerie art retreat was founded here in Boulder a few years ago and this Spring, I will be attending. If you are a tiny bit interested, there are 3 opportunities to attend, including one in NYC. And if you do sign up, please let me know!!!

5) In the same vein, a longtime blog friend Claudine of Becoming Claudine is hosting her 2nd annual Gladsome retreat in the Great Lakes region. Claudine is one of kindest, most down to earth bloggers I have met out here, and I can only imagine that her retreat will be full of creative spark, warmth and connection. She had wonderful success last year and I wish her even more this fall. I will be headed to Florida so I won't make it, but it is my great hope to attend one day :). Lots of love to you Claudine!

Wishing you a great week...
xoxo

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
~ Brené Brown

Weekending....

Painted stones

He politely puts his paw on my face every morning, rumbling low, hoping that soon I will wake to see him waiting.

We collect plume, my daughter and I. The brilliance always leave me thirsty. Ohh to see his magnificence!! To watch him take flight! Never in the wild have I seen him fly, not yet. But like a dream I wait, patiently, I wait.

The aches in the working muscles of my fingers tell me it's never too late. There are new memories being made here. A daily meditation, a welcomed vibration, like the beat of a drum against my chest. From the inside, or the outside? It's the same either way.

She colors everything she touches, that girl, leaving a trail more beautiful and less ordinary than before she arrived.

There are painted stones everywhere, ripples made by the most insignificant actions. We aren't meant to feel them all, but when I do, I swear, I can feel the earth move...

Happy Friday and weekend to you...

xoxo

All too brief

All too brief are the moments that hold me still. I sweep by the cat knowing he begs for my attention. I turn and see him gazing at me with those large green eyes. Soul gazers... that is what they are.

As I sat and watched you in your piano lesson, I didn't see a 10 year old. I saw a 2 year old, with the same eager smile, the same playful energy, the same long lashes that would soak with tears if I left your sight. My own eyes begin to well and my vision blurs--"No!" I thought, not here, not in front of your piano teacher, you would be so embarrassed! But you must know, I won't tell you now, but one day you must know, that my heart bursts with love and pride for the boy you have become, for the man I know you will be...
I look away until I'm sure my eyes are dry, pull out the checkbook, and write.

So much to hold, so much to embrace, all of it, far too brief.

xoxo

ps. Thank you all for your comments of support and experience on my last post. I am grateful for every single one...


If I Were

There are lots of ways to dance and
to spin, sometimes it just starts my
feet first then my entire body, I am
spinning no one can see it but it is
happening. I am so glad to be alive,
I am so glad to be loving and loved.
Even if I were close to the finish,
even if I were at my final breath, I
would be here to take a stand, bereft
of such astonishments, but for them.

If I were a Sufi for sure I would be
one of the spinning kind.

From A Thousand Mornings, Mary Oliver

free day

Welcome Friday, I have been waiting for you. Today is the day I promised myself some freedom-- freedom from the endless to-do lists, need-to's and shoulds.

Today, I promised myself that I would mindfully enjoy every footstep I take, and have a date with discovery. Today I delicately indulge in the things I love. I won't just steal seconds and squeeze them in between the listed tasks. Today, I will revel and roll in them, remembering the gifts I receive from just breathing.

Today, I will take slower sips of my coffee, write longer without self-editing, doodle, knit, or make something more without self-deprecating. I will stop to take more photos rather than pass them by for reason A or B. I will read as long as I want without feeling guilty. And maybe if I feel like it, I will take myself to a movie, or out to lunch.

Today, is the day that I do what I please because I am the only one that can choose to make that happen for me, without guilt, worry or imagined obligation.

Today is about soaking in the light that falls on this earth, the one that moves effortlessly reflecting, enhancing, and highlighting the beauty that is already there.

Today, I am wishing that you find some time to do the same....

Have a great weekend

xoxo

ps. I am going to do my best to document my free day today using Twitter (yes I tweet now thanks to Cory!), Instagram, and maybe even Facebook. I would love it if you stopped by...

Ego's grip

"If you are in the grip of ego, you believe that by doing more and more you will eventually accumulate enough 'doings' to make yourself feel complete at some point in the future. You won't. You will only lose yourself in the doing." ~ Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

I believe, that what we really are is a soul without labels, without humanly definitions, awards or shame to carry on its back. We are souls that are meant to walk through fire and through rainbows of human experiences, only to be primed and polished into a brighter, shinier version of our conscious selves. Our souls carry no memory of the past, and no desire for the future, but blossoms in the present moment as it occurs, one moment after another. Can we exist this way? Is it possible? I believe my soul's journey is about coming face to face with Ego and getting to know her well, very well. And by knowing Ego well, it is the only way I can overcome her sly tricks, recognize her vicious words, her relentless needs, temptations, stress and torments that come into play every day.  Ego is a growing amoeba highly dependent on our needs to think about self. The more we spend time *thinking* of self, the greater the Ego's appetite becomes. The more we lose ourselves into the human feelings called selfishness, hate, anger, shame, arrogance, self-pity, judgement, narcissism, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and fear...the less we truly know ourselves without prejudice.

Our potential as humans is enormous, but not by what we do, what we can become, or what we've invented or created. It is by our capacity to love, enjoy and be enthusiastic about what is happening at this very moment. My own inquest had to do with recognizing an inner conflict between what I am exactly right now, and who I wish I could be or what I wish I could be doing. There is only one result to this conflict, constant suffering and agony. Once I remember and realize that my potential for happiness exists in this every moment, then there will be no need for Ego, no need for stress. To bring enthusiasm, alertness, consciousness, and pure freedom of spirit to our children, to our families, to our friends, at any given moment, I believe, is our true purpose. From there, joy and creativity can be born without us ever having to work for it.



Much love to you my friends...
xoxo

Morning meditation

Note to myself:

Don't think. Don't get caught in that trap. Don't get caught in believing that there isn't enough time. There is plenty. But you can't do it all. Some things just have to wait. And when you fill your mind with too many things, there isn't room enough to breathe. That's when your heart begins to race as fast as your mind. That's when your neck gets tense and your shoulders are up to your ears, your chest is tight and the worry lines begin to scrunch on your forehead.

Stop.   Look.   Listen.

Do you hear it? The hum of the fridge behind you. The touch of the keys underneath your fingertips. The trees outside the window blowing in the breeze.  The sunlight breaking through the blinds. The neighbor's cat on his morning walk through your backyard.  How I would love a cat.  Focus!!! Take a deep breath, now.

Don't forget what brings you here.  Don't forget today's purpose.  Feel alive, give love, remember abundance.  Don't forget to wander a little, don't forget to wonder. You have all you need.  Now go take your shower :).

much love
xx oo

Another smack in the head

Ok, I admit it, I am having a hard time lately. Sometimes it takes me awhile to know that something is wrong until it comes and smacks me upside the head. It could be the season, but I know I am not an easy going mama. I wish I was, but I am not. I can be lost in my head and still walk around with that perfectionist thinking, obliviously, with high expectations for everything and everyone, but mostly myself. Sometimes I get little warning signs that these feelings are happening, like a mosquito buzzing around your ear that you can't see. But, it isn't until I am sucked bone dry when I realize I am starving for something.

I have a quote taped to my computer (so much for that idea--I'll have to tape it to my forehead). "Expectations are pre-planned resentments". I have no idea who said it and even Google couldn't tell me. Regardless, I have them--I wake up and I have a plan, I have lists--of what I want to accomplish, where I "need" to go or do, or what the kids should could be doing.  It is how I have always accomplished anything. But I have discovered something about this productivity-induced behavior of mine.  It clouds my judgment of what really should be the most important part of my everyday--relationships, connection, and more importantly--presence and peace. In fact, I think the lists end up being a distraction to try to find fulfillment, when fulfillment can be found simply by just stopping and slowing down.

When I begin to "race"--against whom or what I don't know--I expect my kids to keep up with me. I forget that productivity is no where in a child's vocabulary, BUT--happiness and connection are. They want to connect with me all day long, asking me to play with them and in their stories. When I am lost in my "to-do" I forget this, and I forget my own need for nurturing. It's wonderful how my children can love and nurture naturally, even knowing when I need it. In their eyes, I have no need to race or to accomplish anything.  It's as simple as getting down on the floor to play. They know exactly how to find happiness and they naturally will gravitate towards it if I just let them--if I just follow them instead of trying to lead all the time. One day they will learn their own definition of success, and I only hope that it won't be the same as mine.  I can't say I will ever stop the lists, they are just a part of how I do things. Perhaps I can just change the order in which I write my to-do's, with peace and presence always at the top.

"When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.” ~ John Muir

If I need an attitude adjustment, there are two, fast, surefire ways that will do. Music and going outside. Usually, just stepping outdoors can create an amazing feeling of being uplifted, as if being connected to something natural and good.  But when I get to step outdoors in a place such as this, in the woods, the feeling that I will always be okay, even more than okay, prevails.

Recently, I have been trying to share this phenomena with my children.  We have done this at home in Florida, but the impact is different when you are surrounded by nature. They, too, can feel the connection and their entire spirit changes. When they ask me why that is. I tell them that it is simple, really. 

I tell them that we are no different from the trees, squirrels, or any other life form from this planet.  I tell them that we need air, water, and food from the earth and sun to live, breath and acquire energy.  The energy we feel is the energy this planet gives us so freely, continuously and generously. When we go outside, we are reunited, we are linked in, we are truly going home.