Since we've been back, my bones have been craving the crunch and climb of a mountain trail. My son, always ready for anything, never says no to joining me on these hikes. It has become a spiritual meditation, an adventure, a way we share together. I wonder if he can really know that I don't actually hike---I fly when he is by my side...
About 2 weeks prior to leaving for France, we bought him new hiking shoes. Five weeks later, he has completely outgrown them. It's all too real how this tiny detail can weigh so heavy in my thoughts. He will be ten in less than a month and a half. Ten. And he already knows what he wants for his birthday. I thought for sure it would be a iPod Touch or a laptop since he has been hinting at it for months now, but I was wrong. He wants to fly by himself back to FL to spend one week with his grandparents, uncle, and cousins. And suddenly I feel heavier. This first born child of mine, so confident, so loving, so eager to stay connected to those that love him so much, with every new pair of shoes, is running towards manhood.
I purchased his ticket yesterday. And I am crying.
I think we'll hike again today. For now, I can still keep pace with him, hear and watch his feet grind the earth next to mine. And for now, I am grateful...
Cheers,
To the ones we love so much it hurts....
xoxo
Weekending with Amanda
I am sending you the biggest hug MJ and crying tears with you! I think watching our babies grow up is the most joyous and the hardest part of being a Mom. My baby will be 15 next month, 15! I can not wrap my head around that at all. Didn't we just have these little beings that need us for everything? It feels like it should be so! Enjoy your hike with your son.
ReplyDeleteHugs hugs and more hugs. they grow up so very fast.
ReplyDeletemj, i read your words like a sage's advice. i thought - oh goody a post from mj. maybe it'll help me on my path. and sure enough it did. we're on the same mama wave length. here i am at my mom's, where i took my boys to flee the heat, and i've been dealing with your same emotions on a micro scale. everyday my big boy tells me he wants to go to the ranch where his other grandparents are. i love that they are there for him (it's only 15 minutes away from my mom) but, it's strange nonetheless dropping him off there so i can keep the baby with me on little outings I'm taking with my mom or just keeping him at my mom's where it's better set up for baby. he rode his first donkey and horse without me there and it breaks my heart that i can't be there for both my children at the same time. he's growing up, asking to part from me, and having big adventures without me! do i sound dramatic? it is micro compared to yours. boy, i'm sure i'll cry the day he wants to fly away. whew... (and to think, i did every summer to germany for six weeks to see my grandparents starting at six!!!)
ReplyDeleteand i must add... those were some of the best memories of my life - time with my beloved grandparents.
DeleteNo, not dramatic at all!! Our hearts grow with mamahood, and we develop supersonic emotions, that is one of our super powers you know :). There is nothing micro about the feelings we grow through, an occupational hazard of motherhood I suppose, one that we wouldn't trade for anything :).
DeleteSo beautifully written. I SO get it.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, what a boy you have to want to connect with his family for his birthday. He has a sweet and special soul to live so directly from his heart like that.
It does "hurt" to love so deeply. Once a while back I got a few seconds of a sense of what life would be without my children. There is no darker world. And with them, there is no lighter.
XO
ohhhh, heartbreaking indeed. and yet, you've fostered a love for life, learning, and family - i say job very well done mama!!!
ReplyDeleteGood for you, my friend, for letting him fly, even if it means heartbreak for you. We have no choice but to let go. To let them be the people they were always and forever meant to be, but oh... it's hard. LOVE!
ReplyDeleteoh my, beautiful, all of it, and painful and beautiful, the two so impossible to separate.
ReplyDeletexo
erin
Gosh. I am so touched by this post-I love that your son is tied to his family back in Florida and I am totally amazed at your loving nature to give the gift he really wants. You are raising a VERY fine young man :)
ReplyDelete"I purchased his ticket and I am crying." Sigh. What a beautiful post, MJ. I am in awe of your little guy. You, too.
ReplyDeletethis photo makes my heart race....
ReplyDeletesuch a balancing act. keeping them close, protected under our wings, and letting go enough to give them the freedom to spread their own wings and fly their own journey. I wonder - do we keep them close for their safety, or our sanity? both, I'm sure.
xoxo
i keep forgetting....thank you so much for the lovely post card!!!
Deletehand on heart. deep breath in. slow long breath out. hug.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of how I hiked and hiked and hiked with my oldest son...almost every weekend for a while - so many miles, so many trails...good memories but also bittersweet because even though we hiked and hiked and climbed hills and mountains, he/we couldn't avoid so many of the rocks strewn along on his trail to manhood. Children do grow up so very quickly. My youngest just turned 16 and like your son, he wants to stay in touch with family out of state so flies to Utah every summer to see his grandma, uncle and aunt. Reminds me of this quote I read some years back..."if you love someone, set them free, if they are yours, they will come back. If not, they never were." Have a wonderful week.
ReplyDeleteso bittersweet, this love....i so hear this
ReplyDeletexoxo
So hard to help them go off into the world, if only for a bit. Be strong, mama.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and heart breaking at the same time - so amazing that his wish is to spend time with family and so wonderful you have granted it.
ReplyDeleteOh it's so hard letting our babies go isn't it? I ache every time, but I also smile at the adventure and courage they have...how lucky are we to have these amazing little creatures.
ReplyDeleteOh, MJ, this mama's heart of mine is aching as I read your words. This sweet wonderful boy of yours is lucky to have a mama that let's him go even when it hurts her heart a little.
ReplyDeletexo
cortnie
My insides creaked for you, MJ. Just creaked. What an amazing boy you have. What an extraordinary mama you are. What an incredible life we live; how incredible that we get to feel this kind of love for someone else. Thank you, for these beautiful words.
ReplyDelete