Pushing limits

The banjo. Why I chose this instrument to begin learning at 41 is still an enigma to me. I enjoy bluegrass, but am not necessarily an enormous fan. No one in my family has ever played the instrument. I didn't grow up anywhere rich in bluegrass or banjo history. No country or bluegrass radio stations blasting from our old, yellow Dodge Aspen (what a fabulous car that was) when I was 10. In fact, years ago when I did imagine myself playing anything, the piano was the frontrunner in all my dreams.

But that did change, and here I am with a banjo and three pics fumbling my way through strings, chords, and strange looking music. At least once a day I curse that I didn't begin sooner, that I didn't have to squint and refocus my eyes just to see the strings 10 inches from my face. But I didn't begin sooner. An offer to borrow a banjo brought me to this place 7 months ago and surprisingly now it's not reading that is pushing me to get my old lady glasses, but the burning desire to play the banjo better.

Passion is a simple thing. If we love something enough, the idea is that we will stop at nothing to go for it. Even if it means we have to suck for awhile (a long while) before we get any good at it. We will give up having nice fingernails, develop ugly fingertip caluses, and endure our own crappy music playing just to get to the heart and meat of it all. It means that our comfort zone is not the endzone and frustration is actually a sign of self deconstruction and evolution. It means realizing that standing beyond our limits actually feels good. It means that in these moments, we are becoming something that not long ago was only just a dream.  That, I think I can do...

Happy Friday to you...

xoxo

Embracing shadows

I have worked with the shadowy parts of my self too many times to count. I have wondered if these things that we don't like about ourselves truly ever change at the root. And if so, how, and how long will it take?

Acceptance, self-love, compassion, these are all things that have bloomed brightly within over the years. I feel genuinely happy most of the time and I know this because of my natural desire to share my joy with others. There was a time that I never smiled at passersby, never. I trusted little and was too involved in self to even notice them. Now, the ease of a gentle nod and smile pours forth, I almost can't help it.

There is no denial here, no phony happy face plastered to hide pain. Yet the feelings of insecurity, deep-seeded will-I-ever-be-good-enough insecurity still can waft in on a lonely, isolated breeze. The smell of it tickles my nose to alert my senses, and I wonder, will it ever go away? And I know the answer before I finish asking the question. I am changed from the scared shell of a girl that I uncovered 15 years ago, but she is still here with me, holding my hand, trusting me, looking up to me, encouraging me to never stop seeking, never stop growing, and most importantly, to never forget her or how far we have come together.

Revisiting the darkest part of self is never an easy task, but I believe we must do it anyway, regularly and gently. I do it because when I begin to rest on faith that I have enough insight, recovery, therapy, growth and awareness to last me the rest of my life, I know that I am fooled.

“If you fear nothing, then you are not brave. You are merely too foolish to be afraid.”
~ Laurell K. Hamilton

The fear that I had beginning Pixie's class is gone now, completely. Fear's face is one that I have met before, and instead of running from her, I remember to embrace her like an old friend. As always, she is the gateway to better things, a better understanding, and a greater acceptance of not just me, but of everyone else around me.



Much love to you, and may you embrace a shadow, too...

xoxo

Fly

Since we've been back, my bones have been craving the crunch and climb of a mountain trail. My son, always ready for  anything, never says no to joining me on these hikes. It has become a spiritual meditation, an adventure, a way we share together. I wonder if he can really know that I don't actually hike---I fly when he is by my side...

About 2 weeks prior to leaving for France, we bought him new hiking shoes. Five weeks later, he has completely outgrown them. It's all too real how this tiny detail can weigh so heavy in my thoughts. He will be ten in less than a month and a half. Ten. And he already knows what he wants for his birthday. I thought for sure it would be a iPod Touch or a laptop since he has been hinting at it for months now, but I was wrong. He wants to fly by himself back to FL to spend one week with his grandparents, uncle, and cousins. And suddenly I feel heavier. This first born child of mine, so confident, so loving, so eager to stay connected to those that love him so much, with every new pair of shoes, is running towards manhood.

I purchased his ticket yesterday. And I am crying.

I think we'll hike again today. For now, I can still keep pace with him, hear and watch his feet grind the earth next to mine. And for now, I am grateful...

Cheers,
To the ones we love so much it hurts....

xoxo

Weekending with Amanda

"You teach best what you most need to learn." ~ Richard Bach

It's here :). Today, I celebrate the end of a decade and the start of a new. Today, I want to reflect and remember some of the things I have learned. Everyday is a day to celebrate who we are and the things we love, but when we realize that we know ourselves better than we ever have, it is truly a beautiful and magnificent day.

No, not from Seattle, but from right here in our own little town.

"Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you." ~ Richard Bach

Everything that I've done up to this point in my life, has not been in vain. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, no such thing as wasted time or experience. Everything means something, and everything and everyone has changed me in some way. I must remember this, every day.

"Do the kind of things that come from the heart, When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back." ~ Morrie Schwartz

M.'s The Rainbow Dance

My relationship with myself is undeniably and irrevocably connected to my relationships with everyone else. I must treat myself with kindness if I want to treat everyone else with kindness. I must forgive myself for all my imperfections in order to forgive all others.  This is true authenticity.  This, is being real.

Everything is better with music, dance, and nature.  These things, as well as creating, are cosmically connected to my spirit.  They fill me with passion, bringing vibrancy and color to all that surrounds me.  None of these things will ever deny me the happiness that I seek. The only thing in my way is my willingness to go to them.  By weaving them into my life daily, joy will find me around the next corner.

My children are not my life. They have a life of their own, and we are travelers together, learning and becoming different things, growing together but separate.  By honoring and trusting the light in them, they will find their way, they will...



"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you are in the dark. Even when you're falling." ~ Morrie Schwartz

We are related you and I.  We are connected in ways beyond what we see.  Most of my young life I spent trying to separate myself from the rest. Chasing accomplishments, filling myself with possessions, and continually trying to prove my abilities.  I'm done.  What I want now, is to spend the rest of my life looking for ways that we are alike.  I want to celebrate all the things in you, that I see in me. And then I want to tell you how much I love those things in you, reflecting the love that I see in me.

Without dreams I have no direction. And the closer these dreams bring me to myself and who I know myself to be, the closer I am living the life that I have always wanted.  And these dreams don't need to be big.  They can be little dreams like dancing in the rain, or singing unabashedly in the car.  They can be painting something I have never painted or writing something I have never written. It doesn't matter. Live unapologetically. Love immensely. Be you, for you and for everyone else that has touched you in some way. Reflect, relearn, regain, and remember everyday, all the gifts that make up who you are.

much love, light, and joy
xx oo

A look inside...

Good morning :)!! It's quiet here right now. Both kids are in bed still sleeping, Hubs is in his office and I am sitting here in my usual spot peering at the screen. I have time. Time to write and share before my babes get up and start climbing on me to say "Let's start our day!!" I've got my coffee and a view of the beautiful outdoors waking with the sun. What I don't have though, is a lot of energy. 

I have to admit that since I've been back from Seattle, the blues have found me for a bit.  I know this about myself. I know that when I get back from somewhere different, somewhere inspiring and beautiful, that I miss it, and that angst and longing for something different resides within for awhile.

And while I have all the skills to remember to be grateful for the spaces that nurture, soothe and calm me now, the images for the spaces that I still dream of, continue to float towards intention and purpose.  As for all that happens in between, some will be savored and some will be swallowed, and that's okay with me for right now :).  Ahh, they are up.  Time to go--time to live, play and learn :)...

much love and a great Monday to you!!

xx oo

"Simplicity is the glory of expression." ~ Walt Whitman

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Three more days until the giveaway :)...
Have you entered yet?

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On this day, pipe cleaners.

More often than not, rummaging will reveal some sort of buried and forgotten treasure in our closets. Though not sure what our search is for, we still know it when we see it. Thankfully, even the simplest activity can bring the easiest of smiles.

Thanks Angie at Wonderfully Crazy for this idea!

I watch intently now, as creativity brings out willingness and possibility.  The simple act of changing a thing from one to another, to give it shape, texture, and perhaps some color, draws the sense that creativity is more than just an ability, but a tone and a manner of feeling.

I turn to my own projects now and I see my newly felted nest and some tiny black words cut out for another collage.  And though they don't go together, I see that they really do.

Without too much thought, and as I fill our nest with simple, lovely truths, I can only hope magic and joy is what will emanate from our little moments of creativity.

Joining Stephanie in Saturday's Artist...

Have a wonderful weekend...