"We are all wanderers on this earth...our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams." ~ Gypsy proverb

Friday, October 12, 2012

Embracing shadows

I have worked with the shadowy parts of my self too many times to count. I have wondered if these things that we don't like about ourselves truly ever change at the root. And if so, how, and how long will it take?

Acceptance, self-love, compassion, these are all things that have bloomed brightly within over the years. I feel genuinely happy most of the time and I know this because of my natural desire to share my joy with others. There was a time that I never smiled at passersby, never. I trusted little and was too involved in self to even notice them. Now, the ease of a gentle nod and smile pours forth, I almost can't help it.

There is no denial here, no phony happy face plastered to hide pain. Yet the feelings of insecurity, deep-seeded will-I-ever-be-good-enough insecurity still can waft in on a lonely, isolated breeze. The smell of it tickles my nose to alert my senses, and I wonder, will it ever go away? And I know the answer before I finish asking the question. I am changed from the scared shell of a girl that I uncovered 15 years ago, but she is still here with me, holding my hand, trusting me, looking up to me, encouraging me to never stop seeking, never stop growing, and most importantly, to never forget her or how far we have come together.

Revisiting the darkest part of self is never an easy task, but I believe we must do it anyway, regularly and gently. I do it because when I begin to rest on faith that I have enough insight, recovery, therapy, growth and awareness to last me the rest of my life, I know that I am fooled.

“If you fear nothing, then you are not brave. You are merely too foolish to be afraid.”
~ Laurell K. Hamilton

The fear that I had beginning Pixie's class is gone now, completely. Fear's face is one that I have met before, and instead of running from her, I remember to embrace her like an old friend. As always, she is the gateway to better things, a better understanding, and a greater acceptance of not just me, but of everyone else around me.

Ghosts That We Knew by Mumford & Sons on Grooveshark

Much love to you, and may you embrace a shadow, too...



  1. There's so much strength and realness in the uncovering. You are so strong, not just as a writer and as an image keeper. Much love. xoxo

  2. you are so brave and courageous. there is so much there for you to uncover (this i know) :)

  3. I hope you continue to uncover MJ and find love between the layers as they are peeled back.

  4. "will it ever go away?" - I think the same all the time. I'm not sure if they will ever go away. Perhaps acknowledging the shadows, bringing them forth and working with them, instead of against them, helps to make their future visits short-lived.

    I do know that there is so much light inside you, and it pours out and shines on everything around you, and makes life so much more beautiful.


  5. I have very dark parts of my past.
    Just before I first met Brad, my life began to change so immensely. I've basically been happy ever since then. But I still can feel the imprint of the shadows. I think, ultimately, those places are great sources for us to express ourselves artistically. Or to help others.
    What is that Zen quote...? A fish can not live in water that is too pure?

    You. Are. Beautiful.

  6. "How long will take?" There is always work to be done. Life is everchanging. When I started healing, truly healing three years ago, I found that once you reached one apex, there was another up ahead - a vast mountain range. Each time, I become more myself then before, it is beyond amazing. It is those shadows that are threads of our fabric that need tending as much as the rest. So very happy that you are part of SouLodge, it has helped me tremendously. You are light. You are beautiful and will forever grow in your beauty. xo

  7. Wise woman! I am glad that you are facing your fears and conquering them; or at least getting to understand them better :) "How long will it take?"...I ask this myself and realize that it'll take forever. It'll take my whole life long or however long a life you believe in (afterlife?) Because if the growing and changing ends...what is left, right?

  8. Also, that is quite a gorgeous header photo you have up there. Oh fall colors! I am missing you!

  9. i'm happy for you that you faced it and are on the other side of that face. there is always growing, always always always. but there is a mid-point too, where we know we've reached a summit of sorts, and do begin a decent of peace. not sure it can happen before the age of 40. :)

    you're a walker of the soul.... the walking is all that truly matters i believe.

    gorgeous self-portrait.

  10. beautifully written
    I have learned on my journey that nothing really leaves us as much as it is transformed into something else...something that is for our greater good
    like the leaves in the fall die to the ground and become nourishment for the very tree they once lived upon, so our scared past selves become nourishment for our renewed selves....

    visiting you from SouLodge
    Aho sister

    Love and Light

  11. I'm so happy to see you enrolled! What an absolutely stunning photo too my friend. Beautiful.

  12. You are inspiring!! Keep shining your light and the shadows will grow smaller and every time you embrace it will get easier and easier, or so I am told. I understand where you are coming from my dear friend. I am on a similar journey.


“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
~ George Bernard Shaw