Chances and choices

When we are removed from our everyday, when we are placed in situations that aren't typical, when we are forced to see ourselves differently than what we are accustomed to, we are offered valuable information. An opportunity to consider that there is so much more available to us than we allow ourselves to know. Consumed with our norm, our schedules, our responsibilities, our established roles, we can miss so much. Whether I remember or not, I am given chances everyday to stretch beyond my comfortable boundaries. They come and go so often, it's easy to mistake them for anything else but a gem hidden amongst ordinary pebbles

Going on the Teton's trip as a chaperone was a chance to step outside the roles of mother, wife, caretaker, homemaker, or whatever else I want to call myself. Though my son was on this trip, it was made clear that my role was as chaperone first, not mother, which of course required a conscious effort on my part:). It reminded me of my trip to Squam last year, a scary yet oh so worthy chance at seeing beneath and between the layers of self. The Teton trip helped me remember someone I once was in a different time. It helped me see the children I was chaperoning beyond their roles of student, son/daughter, and friend, enhancing their individualities, their personalities, each with their own hurdles and burdens to overcome. There, with the backdrop that only nature and earth can provide, we were exposed to the rawness and palpability of our spirits. With no familiar schedules, routines, or roles to hide behind, we found new dimensions in ourselves and in each other in those 5 days--dimensions that challenged, lifted, supported, split us apart and then brought us together again. We were changed whether we knew it or not, and we grew closer whether we wanted to or not.

And such are the gifts of chance and choice. I do believe dreams begin this way, when we open ourselves to things that we once deemed improbable, impossible, inconceivable, like hiking the AT trail or playing the banjo. Opportunities come and go, we just need to give ourselves permission to say "yes", "yes" to finding the glimmer that keeps the light of possibility in our eyes. With this, the promise of another gem awaits :)....

much love to you fellow adventurers...

xoxo

What's going on here

Sometimes I liken my brain to a crowded train station full of traveling feelings, working hard to get to where they need to go. Often times they get stuck, delayed, or off on the wrong train. I can usually stand in the corner and watch these feelings pass by me. I see every single one, but most I may ignore until they are really lost. Then, if I choose to, I can tap them on the shoulder and show them the way out. The choice is always mine. The past couple days, I have been letting them stay lost. I really am not ready to get out from underground yet, but I know it's time.

Worry was here:
Little M. was in the E.R. this weekend. She's been really sick for the past 5 days with a terribly insidious stomach virus. She is finally getting better now thank goodness, but she hadn't eaten and barely drank anything for 4 days. She has lost so much weight, her body is like a thin and fragile wire frame. She is gaining strength now, though I feel like an eager food pusher watching her every move. I don't have to tell you what that's like, to see your babe get so sick and have every worst scenario enter your mind.

Joy passed by:
We have a contract on the house :). We found this out the same day I was in the hospital with M., so while I was grappling with worry, joy passed by.  What's left is some cautious optimism, we need a good appraisal for this contract to stick. Now we wait, and hope...

Fear came back:
Please forgive this bluntness, there is no soft way to write this. One of our young neighbors (14) may have been violated sexually on Sunday. I can't seem to type the other word. She was alone at home, there were six teenage boys, and it was the middle of the day. We don't know all the facts yet, but what we do know is enough. My heart goes out to her and her family. And now you know what I've been sitting with the past couple days.  My blinds have remained drawn and the doors locked. I had worked hard to get comfortable enough to let E. play on the driveway or in the front yard without constant vigilance. And now that is lost, fear has returned, and I am tired from the swirl of emotions that has flooded me this past weekend.

And now where to go from here. I know I get to say when enough is enough. Good and bad things happen, and we get to decide what we dwell upon, how we dwell upon them and how long. I am back at the train station, and the choice is still mine. Today, I have decided it will be different. Perhaps not normal, but better. Today I will seek out joy, I will seek out fun, I will seek out faith and happiness, and I will help these emotions find their way out. Today, my blinds will be opened. Today we will play outside. Today I will not worry about M and her weight. Today I will not dwell on what may or may not happen. Today I will remember the sweet things in life, and I will pray for peace and solace to those who need it most. And then today, I will remember to smile :)...

much love and joy to you...
xx oo

The freedom to choose

Change. It's happening again. The freedom to live and explore, wander and discover, change and grow, have been the main engine behind much of my posts, with parenting and unschooling providing the fuel.  Now there is an unexpected twist in our evolution as unschoolers, one that goes a bit beyond my comfort zone.  I don't know if I am ready for this part of our journey, but maybe my children are.  To put it plainly, my kids are going to try going back to Montessori. 

E. and M. both had initiated this decision, which was further supported by hubs.  But, my fears cloud my faith and I wonder, have they really deschooled enough?  Will this set them back?  We have been to Montessori before when they were younger, what is different now?   It took me a couple days to think about this when the obvious finally hit me.  They weren't unschooled children back then.  We were a traditional family that didn't offer the choice of if or when to start school.  I didn't consider that they might not be ready.  We just went through the motions, putting them in school early to give them a "head start".  They were not ready then, which undoubtedly helped set our path to unschooling a few years later.

What has changed since is that there is freedom of choice.  They have had time to unravel my earlier mistakes, and kids deschool much faster than we do.  They aren't afraid of being who they are when we stop conducting, start listening, and start trusting.  They don't really know if Montessori will meet their needs, but, they want to try.  What is guaranteed is that they are going in with a different attitude, and may come out with a new perspective. They will certainly gain a greater knowledge of themselves, and hopefully a greater understanding of what they really want and need. 

Being able to live in a manner that honors freedom of choice empowers learning.  The problem with mainstream schooling is that kids aren't given that power.  Accolades, rewards, and praise may give an illusion of choice, but the joy to follow a whim, the internal need to satisfy a curiosity, and the power to choose what or how they want to learn, is replaced by standards, grades and scores.  Unschooling has given that power back to my children.  Unschooling means living with choice and command in your own learning, and letting your interests and needs guide those choices.  Montessori may not be the "perfect" choice, but it is their choice.  They are free to choose, and we will learn to live and grow with those choices.  

The simple fact is, if it doesn't work out, they will come home and things will shift again.  What will never change is my unconditional love, or my respect, or my trust for them.  I will go with it, and see where it leads.  This is just as much a part of our journey as any other choice, and it is this thought, that I will carry with me for the next two months.   Meanwhile, I will share my experiences here with you, as there is always something for me to learn :).