The extra in the ordinary

The decorations will be coming down today, and what I once considered adorned before the holidays will now appear desolate and naked. I do have an addictive personality, an inherited trait that leaves me charmed by escapism, celebration, and any detour from day to day reality (especially on an extended vacation such as the last 2 weeks). But having recovered from addiction, I also know that adjusting the hardwired tendencies of my brain means making a conscious effort to practice (and practice and practice) looking beneath the surface of things, and seek the extraordinary in the ordinary. And soon emptiness is replaced by the effervescent details around me.

Reflecting back, I realize I wrote that post over a year ago about my 12 year addiction to food, and my recovery from an eating disorder. I also wrote in that post about making a promise and concerted effort to change my attitudes about cooking. I wanted to see food as my friend and infuse the practice with love, not with an avoidance constructed by fear and denial. And this was not just for my benefit, but more importantly, for my family's.

What I have not done since that post is share my progress in this space, and yes, there has been amazing progress. I have made peace with cooking, seeing it as an opportunity to reflect joy without needing to avoid pain. How much easier it has become for me to not only plan a meal, but to prepare the cupboards with staples for those days without planning. It's a f---ing miracle actually ;). Though you probably won't ever see me talk incessantly about cooking, or posting recipes of my own invention, I have found the connection between food, fun, and love, without the prickly strings of addiction, fear or perfection. Cooking is still a work in progress, just as I am, but once again, with practice, the extra in the ordinary replaces what was once empty...

Happy weekend to all and may you find the ordinary simply amazing...

xoxo

Joining Bella in 52 Photos Project {Softly Fade Away}

Things that don't last

I don't like pressure very much. I know some people thrive and shine under it. Not me. I feel every aching stress fracture that ripples beneath it. And what kind of pressure do I ever have to deal with anyway? I mean, I am not an air traffic controller or a surgeon or anything like! No no, mine is more of the self-imposed kind. When there is something I want to do for somebody, I want it to be sooooo good, impeccable actually. And with impeccability, Ego usually lurks, waiting for that opportunity to twist and turn my thoughts, which eventually leaves me feeling small and insecure. Uggh (insert dramatic shudder here).

And so with these feelings beginning to rise, I sat at the computer screen, just staring at that blank, empty, wordless page. My insides began to turn with panic, when as if by pure telepathic timing, my darling son came and stood by me at the computer. He put both his hands on my cheeks and turned my face sharply so that we were locked eye to eye.

"We need to get out of this house! Let's go do something Mom!!"
I almost protested with "Sure, just let me fini----"   when I thought, finish what? I hadn't even started!!

With M. at camp this week, it was just me and my boy. It is so rare when we are alone and have time together. I shifted my attention and realized that I had a wonderful opportunity to just focus on him. Me and him. So I shut off the computer without another thought, leaving that page still empty, still wordless.

With hunger driving him, I could see the little wheels in my boy's brain start to turn.
"Oh Mom, we can ride our bikes to downtown and eat lunch at the French bakery!! And then we can have ice cream---or nutella crepes!!!"

It was a brilliant idea.

As I sat there on the bike, iphone camera ready as usual, I noticed something. I wasn't feeling the heat as much as I thought I would. The speed of the bike brought a gentle breeze that even a heat index over 100 couldn't prevent. All we had to do was pedal a little faster and coast to let the coolness settle in comfortably. It was such a simple thing to do to overcome something we believed to be so constant.

And then I saw it, and had to stop the bike.

The messages are everywhere if we take the time to see them. But then sometimes the universe throws us a lifeline and says "SEE!!"

I could only smile and chuckle to myself when E. asked me, "What Mom?" I looked at him and said "Tough times don't last." He just looked back at me and said, "Can we go now?"
"Sure, bud."

Tough times don't last. Neither does anxiety. Neither does pressure. Neither does writer's block or any other creative block. Neither does ego's hold. Neither does the time we have with our children. Neither does the breeze in our faces, or the heat on our skin. Niether does fear, or insecurity, and neither does a blank, empty page. And you know what else doesn't last? Nutella crepes :).

Make the best of every moment, because the very best moments are there waiting for you to join in :)...

much love
xx oo

"Breaking up is hard to do." ~ Neil Sedaka

Fear and perfectionism have been good friends of mine for many years. They have kept me out of trouble and completely risk free. They have made sure that everything always appeared good, despite how I felt. And they have kept me from starting anything new unless I really had a good handle and knowledge about what I was about to embark on-- you know, so I would look like I knew what I was doing.  Well, in the past few years, we have had a falling out, me, fear and perfectionism. When I realized that they fall into that friendship category of "energy suckers", I started to try to break free. Slowly, but with renewed confidence, I started standing up to fear and telling her that I didn't care if she hung around, she can't hold me back anymore, and I will do what I truly want, despite her presence. And perfectionism, well, I just told her it would be a lie to remain friends with her. I told her I could never live up to her ideals, and I really don't want to. I told her that I am imperfect, flawed, and feel free being that way.

Well, let me tell you, they didn't like hearing any of it, and they still try to come into my life and tell me that I am making a mistake. I tell them that I am okay with making mistakes. Making mistakes is what gives me the strength to be who I am and who I grow to be. Yeah, fear and perfectionism, they still still hang around, hoping that I might come crawling back to them. But I have other friends now, friends that have always been there, but just seemed to have stepped up to the plate to bat for me. Courage and forgiveness. Without courage and forgiveness, change would be impossible, growth would be improbable. Thanks you, courage and forgiveness and welcome...