Flicker

I worked for 8 years as an occupational therapist before I had my own children. And those 8 years have marked me in such a way, leaving me to believe that sometimes trying to change a person, even when our intentions are best, is not the answer. I watched children struggle deeply with the knowledge that who they were pushed jaggedly against the grain of normal, and that to try to change to be more "acceptable" was the monster that haunted their dreams and hid under their beds. I saw children in therapy year after year whose progress was questionable against the regular development of age and experience. I met parents, frustrated, distraught, angry, and exhausted for and with their child, and with a health and educational system that did little to help or accept them. And then, I began to receive adults as clients. This, I believe, is what cemented permanently for me the belief that I would never be able to "fix" anybody, not in the way that parents with their pleading eyes wanted me to.  I met future versions of my pediatric clients in the adults, with the same kinds of sensory processing difficulties, but with years more experience in living and dealing with them. Most have been mis-diagnosed their entire lives, most were on medication of some sort just to manage. Some were managing their lives to the best of their ability, and some not at all, going in and out of therapy. In all of these clients, the compounding affliction was the same--the demolition or stunted growth of self-esteem, and the devastating knowledge that "normal" was an ideal they could never attain. After seeing all of this and being a part of these people's lives for just a short time, my conclusion was undeniable. More than anything, these people, these wonderfully unique yet tortured personalities needed acceptance. They needed unconditional love and assurance, from those around them and mostly from themselves, that they were perfect exactly the way they were.

I should be clear here in saying that therapy of all kinds can be beneficial to those who want it, and to those who have healthy expectations of what therapy can provide. As a parent of a child that does not swim with the current, I often do feel helpless at the struggles my daughter faces. I have urges all the time to want to "fix" her, mostly to save her from the emotional challenges she faces daily. With all the knowledge and experience I possessed as a sensory integration specialist, I balk now at my ineffectiveness with my daughter in that role. I was good at what I did then, but feelings of helplessness often mingle with the feelings of failure and I can't stop wondering what on earth was all my training for if not to help my daughter.

Unless.

My call is not what it was 10 years ago. I have changed so much from that eager "I can fix people with my super sleek skills" therapist I was then. I have evolved from that cocoon into the role of my life as mother. I seek light and air, crave the underlying, hidden story that each soul possesses. The mother I am is keen to feelings and guided by intuition, no matter how gut-wrenching that can be at times.  I have given up statistics and studies, odds, "practice makes perfect" thinking for a kinder, gentler, and more respectful way into what ails a human heart. And usually, that ailment is the belief that they aren't good enough, and that they will never be good enough.

I do know this to be true, that I am a far better mother than I ever was an occupational therapist, that I am far more invested in the emotional well-being of my daughter than in her performing "acceptably" against norms that change with every tide, with every moon. I am grateful that my experiences as a sensory integration therapist have given me the gift of understanding, of *seeing* my daughter for who she is, and perhaps that was the intention for that part of my life all along.  She is the candle that flickers in a windless room and I can celebrate that without needing to find a cause or an explanation. My role is not to fix, change, mold, alter, but to support, uplift, shelter, comfort, and guide. The preservation of her beautiful, artistic and authentic soul, buttressed by self-acceptance and self-love, and by the unconditional love of those around her, that is why I am here.

For those that also have a child or loved one that walks a different path, may love, patience, and acceptance keep your purpose clear, and may countless rows of flickering candles light your way...

xoxox

Instinct, reason, and finally clarity...

Clarity.

How little you would
mean to me if
I could find and collect you
so readily...

We have come to a decision about M's schooling next year. It was a month ago when I wrote this post about her struggles with school.

Since then, and after much conversation about homeschooling, with teachers at her current school, and even with teachers from prospective schools, she and I both decided that it would be best for her to stay where she is. I have learned through these weeks of weighing in options, thoughts, feelings, and possible consequences, and weeks of conversing with her current teacher, that we are not the only ones that care about this little girl.  We are not the only ones that truly appreciate her for her relentless desire to see and live in the world the way she wants to live in it. And my husband and I are not the only ones that want to give her the support, the love, and the courage to help her create her own mold, rather than try to fit in any other.

Truth:

Trust begins when we let people in.
Trust evolves because we listen, then consider that perhaps we don't have to do it alone.
Trust is established when we believe that together, we can make a difference.

I am still learning. I think the Montessori method has helped me understand that the struggles my daughter is going through are happening for a reason, and that if I just wait--be there, but just wait, she will learn and work things out on her own with consistent support and consistent communication. I think the teachers who have spent hours with my daughter have offered another perspective that only an attentive and qualified teacher could. They have impressed me with how well they know my children, and I have finally begun to trust a process not entirely in my control. I don't like to see my children struggle, but we parents know that someday somehow they will, no-- they must in order to figure themselves out, to understand how they can adapt in situations out of their own control. I can see my child struggle, offer comfort and support, but I don't have to swoop in and fix it. Someone else has got my back now, someone else has got my children's backs, and together we can work to help them learn how to help themselves, to gain the sense of accomplishment and confidence that can only be gained through facing adversity.

It does take a village, it absolutely does...

Wishing you a lovely weekend...

xoxo

Recently...

Recently...

We were in the makeup section of the store looking for face paint.

"Mom, I want you to paint a bird on my cheek."

"Well it won't be as good as that dragon the lady did last week."

"I don't care!! You'll do great Mom, it doesn't have to be perfect.  By the way, these ladies are liars."

She was pointing to an ad of two cover models placed strategically next to a line of lipsticks. Their faces smooth, beautiful and clear, their lips luscious, full and shiny with pretty pink gloss on them.

"What do you mean they are liars?"

"Well, I looked at my skin and it does NOT look like that. They are liars for making people think their skin does."

Wow. There are so many layers of truth to this I didn't know where to begin.

"I know what you mean, but they look like that on purpose to try to get us to buy the makeup. They are implying that if we buy what they are wearing, we might be able to look like that."

"It's still lying."

"Yeah , I think you are right..."

Oh how I still underestimate my kids sometimes.

Recently...

The yogurt shop with the girl. Who am I kidding. It's not yogurt. It's ice cream masking as a health conscious alternative (even without all the lovely toppings). Lies, more lies!! I'm not fooled, I eat it, but I am not fooled.

Recently...
Painting, glueing, collaging, more to show soon :)...

A banjo. A borrowed banjo. A borrowed banjo recently tuned with new strings. I hear it, and I smile... A long-time dream is knocking at my door at last.

Wishing you a healthy weekend friends...

xoxo

 ps. Thanks for all the well wishes for my family. Boy and hubs are on the upswing!!

All too brief

All too brief are the moments that hold me still. I sweep by the cat knowing he begs for my attention. I turn and see him gazing at me with those large green eyes. Soul gazers... that is what they are.

As I sat and watched you in your piano lesson, I didn't see a 10 year old. I saw a 2 year old, with the same eager smile, the same playful energy, the same long lashes that would soak with tears if I left your sight. My own eyes begin to well and my vision blurs--"No!" I thought, not here, not in front of your piano teacher, you would be so embarrassed! But you must know, I won't tell you now, but one day you must know, that my heart bursts with love and pride for the boy you have become, for the man I know you will be...
I look away until I'm sure my eyes are dry, pull out the checkbook, and write.

So much to hold, so much to embrace, all of it, far too brief.

xoxo

ps. Thank you all for your comments of support and experience on my last post. I am grateful for every single one...


If I Were

There are lots of ways to dance and
to spin, sometimes it just starts my
feet first then my entire body, I am
spinning no one can see it but it is
happening. I am so glad to be alive,
I am so glad to be loving and loved.
Even if I were close to the finish,
even if I were at my final breath, I
would be here to take a stand, bereft
of such astonishments, but for them.

If I were a Sufi for sure I would be
one of the spinning kind.

From A Thousand Mornings, Mary Oliver

Instinct and reason

When it comes to my kids, I am quite proud. I'm not just proud of them, I am proud of all the changes and growth that we have accomplished together. I am proud of our relationship and how close we've become. I am proud of the work that my husband and I have put into parenting, unlearning damaging patterns, and replacing them with respectful, loving ones.

I've also become somewhat presumptuous. I trust in the connection that I have with my children and trust that my intuition has helped me grow acutely aware of anomalous changes or troubles. I have become quite confident that I can face any parenting challenge, because you see, I have X-ray vision and can see under the surface of my children's behaviors (and many times other kids). I read my kids' actions like a mystery novel and often can have the culprit/source of the behavior uncovered within minutes. I look at the situation, try to understand the emotions that arise from the situation, step back then analyze the big picture so that I can start helping the kids implement solutions. Yes, there is just a teensy bit of Sherlock Holmes pride here, eensy weensy.

So when my daughter began complaining about school, telling me things like "I don't like school", or  "I don't have any friends", or "no one likes me", it got my attention. Now, of course children complain. Children can be so dramatic as you know (especially my girl), but because I trust and respect what they are feeling, and I also believe they are honest reflections of what is happening inside, I listen to every complaint and weigh them against with what is happening all around them.

I have written about my daughter many times. She is a sensitive soul with a powerful imagination. Knowing exactly who she is and what she wants has always been her strength. When she is unhappy, annoyed, tired, sick, overwhelmed, together we usually can figure out why. But, especially in the last month or so, I've noticed my girl struggling with something big. I have honed in on those feelings and have been trying to understand them ever since. I think she is struggling with structure. I think she is struggling with conformity and rules. She is struggling with not being fed creatively, at least not in the way she hungers for anyway. She is struggling with realizing that the days of staying at home with mom, following her passions all day long without hindrance or interruption have disappeared, she is struggling with not being able to do what she wants when she wants, because she is now in a setting very different from the one she's had for several years before.

Most kids go through this I know. But do most kids begin to doubt themselves in the process? Do most kids began to see themselves as not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough? Do most kids go from confident and self-loving to distraught, moody and self-critical? Comparison and competition are unavoidable in a system where children are placed in a room together for 6 hours a day. I won't say that I didn't know this might happen, but the emotions and reactions that have grown out of my daughter from these experiences have hit me harder than I expected. And the boy? He has not had any of these issues, at all, confirming what I've known all along. The system is not made for everyone. Most of us don't question, we just follow instruction. We conform and accept because it is the norm, and because we can conform. But what about those that know intuitively that they can't, and truly don't want to, and struggle terribly because they try against their true nature? What about the kids that know themselves well enough to say "Mom, I didn't learn to read because of school, I learned to read because I was getting older"? What about the ones that begin to not like themselves because of the growing rift between who they know themselves to be and who they think society wants them to become?

I am still grappling with this one, I am. I see her struggling and my first instinct is to pull her out of school and homeschool again. I want to protect her self-esteem. I want to continue to nurture the light in her that causes her to rebel against the norm. I want to let her continue to live in her brilliantly, imaginative world of mythical creatures and stories than have to table them for math and learning how to read a clock. I want to put healing cream on all the little bumps and bruises that she gets from feeling like she is different from every one else, from peer troubles, from feelings of rejection, from having to do things that she earnestly doesn't want to do (and isn't sure why she has to do them at all).  Most importantly, I want her to love herself, as much as I love the bright, sparkling being that she is. And if something is in the way of her doing that, whatever it is I want to pick it up and remove it, blow it up, disintegrate it.

And Reason? Reason says this is part of growing up. Reason says that at some point kids have to adapt. Reason says that this is how we all learn that the world does not revolve on what we want, that we have to learn to struggle in order to get stronger, to understand ourselves better, to problem-solve, to grow. My daughter will eventually have to learn to adjust. She will run into struggles because she will never be the eager beaver student that does what she is told when she is told, memorize what she is told to memorize, or thrive on praise or competition. She will be the girl that wears wings to school, looking for the next exit.

And Sherlock is no where to be seen, and not giving me the answers as clearly as I want them. Instinct tells me one thing and reason tells me another. And what is my daughter telling me? She says she would homeschool again, but that she would miss some things like her friends (yes the same ones she said she doesn't have), seeing her brother, and recess. My reservations have to do with isolation, (something she is very good at, something that could do more harm than good) and with delaying the inevitable. She will have to learn some way somehow how she fits into this world, with all of her out-of-the box quirkiness, in school or at home.

So there you have it, the tornado that I am spinning in. I have not found answers yet but I suspect they will come. I suspect the writing is on the wall and my xray vision needs adjusting. And when it is adjusted, you will be the first to know...

Monday Monday....
xoxox

ps. I know some people might think that instinct is the way to go, but for me instinct and intuition are two different things. From experience my first initial reaction is not necessarily always the best choice. Instinct makes us mothers, but reason, experience and intuition make us great mothers.

As always, thanks for reading...

On dragon seeing...

"Mom, I feel different from everyone else..."

"You are different from everyone else..."

"No, I mean I REALLY feel different, like no one thinks the way I do. At school, when I talk about dragons or my imaginary friends, some of the boys make fun of me."

"Who makes fun of you?"

"Uggh, Mooom, that's not the point!"

"Oh, right.... so what kind of things do they say?"

"Well, it's embarrassing. They say things like 'oh look, there goes the girl who sees dragons'..."

Insert growing anger and sadness followed by instinctive plans for revenge and retaliation <here>.....

Deep breath....... Rationale returns <here>.

"I bet that hurt your feelings didn't it..."

"Yeah.....(long pause).....I don't think I can bring Zach (imaginary friend) to school anymore, and maybe I shouldn't talk about dragons anymore either..."

Insert sharp, knifelike pain in my heart <here>.

Everything in me wanted to protest. Helplessly, I watched a piece of her innocence slip slowly into the shadows...thin...then fade. I knew I had no choice but to accept. Despite all the extraordinary reasons I wanted to give her to resist and be who she wanted, ultimately the decision and choices were hers. To persuade her otherwise might create an internal conflict that stands in the way of her own judgement and reasoning, and her own development of self-trust.

She was growing up, and I had to let her, I... had to trust her.

"Okay then....are you going to be alright with that?"

"Yeah.....some people just don't have the same imagination I do, that's all..."

I smiled. "That is for sure Bee, that is for darn sure..."


Monday love...

xoxo

ps. I'd like to reassure all dragon seers out there that M. is not giving up her imaginary friends or dragons all together, she just is more selective now with who she shares this part of her with :).

Never say never

My boy left on a plane yesterday. I didn't cry, but as I watched the plane pull away from the gate, I felt something like a pinprick within my chest. Pinpricks leave the kind of holes that don't gush all the pain out at once, but rather oozes it slowly, as if fighting to stay in. Driving home, the restless energy that had mustered inside my body began to gnaw at my legs and eventually rise into my stomach. I wanted to run. The urge was too strong to dismiss. I don't like to run, in fact, I hate it. But the trouble with stamping "never" on something, is that it's an invitation to test your resolve someday, somewhere, somehow. And so my day had come, and I tossed "never" aside and ran.

And then I thought I was going to die from hyperventilation and cardiac arrest, lol :). Yet, the pounding of my feet and heart, seemed to seal and mend that tiny hole that was left agape since the airport. This is why runners run, I surmised. Alone, in the shadows of the trees, without mental chatter and with only the sound of my breath and the occasional bird singing, I felt truly alive. The heartaches the seasons of our lives bring seem manageable when all we have to remember to do is breathe and keep going.

I realize now that I said more than one goodbye at the airport. I said goodbye to that scared, clueless young mother that I knew 10 years ago. I have been pounded, tumbled, refined and polished since then. I smiled fondly at the mother I once was, and then I thanked her for her perseverance and belief that she could change and rise up to become the mother her children needed her to be.  

A new phase of mother is beginning, I can feel it. A whole new set of challenges awaits---puberty, peer relationships, middle and high school, boyfriends and girlfriends, driving, ugggh, I think I am going to be sick...and I think it's time for me to buy a real pair of trail running shoes....


Wishing you a lovely August weekend...

xoxo

Wings

"Be like the bird that, pausing in her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings.” ~Victor Hugo

Griffin: part eagle, part lion...

Give them wings. It's the best gift any parent can give their child...

xoxo

Fly

Since we've been back, my bones have been craving the crunch and climb of a mountain trail. My son, always ready for  anything, never says no to joining me on these hikes. It has become a spiritual meditation, an adventure, a way we share together. I wonder if he can really know that I don't actually hike---I fly when he is by my side...

About 2 weeks prior to leaving for France, we bought him new hiking shoes. Five weeks later, he has completely outgrown them. It's all too real how this tiny detail can weigh so heavy in my thoughts. He will be ten in less than a month and a half. Ten. And he already knows what he wants for his birthday. I thought for sure it would be a iPod Touch or a laptop since he has been hinting at it for months now, but I was wrong. He wants to fly by himself back to FL to spend one week with his grandparents, uncle, and cousins. And suddenly I feel heavier. This first born child of mine, so confident, so loving, so eager to stay connected to those that love him so much, with every new pair of shoes, is running towards manhood.

I purchased his ticket yesterday. And I am crying.

I think we'll hike again today. For now, I can still keep pace with him, hear and watch his feet grind the earth next to mine. And for now, I am grateful...

Cheers,
To the ones we love so much it hurts....

xoxo

Weekending with Amanda

Oh book, how I love thee...

source

"Speaking personally, you can have my gun, but you'll take my book when you pry my cold, dead fingers off of the binding."

~ Stephen King

I'm in good company, yes? Hee hee...

What can I say about books and reading that you don't already feel and know deeply?  We all want the same thing. We all want a story to wraps its fingers in ours and draw us close, whisper into our ears and promise a journey to somewhere we won't ever forget...My bad habit is not always remembering to share that journey with others so that they may delve into that story too. I will have to work on that :).

Having just finished The Red Tent by Anita Diamont and  Hold Onto Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld Ph.D. and Gabor Mate, M.D, I will say that I liked Hold Onto Your Kids far far better than The Red Tent. The Red Tent just didn't capture or hold my attention, not in the way I would want a story to. I know some loved this book, but for me....'eh, it made little impact save one thing, that womanhood is a gift, and that we must always cherish and honor that gift.  So with that said, I gave it 3 stars.

On the other hand, if you are searching for a parenting book that reinforces the importance of the parent-child relationship above all else, as well as a straightforward and thorough look into how attachment is built and destroyed, you must read Hold Onto Your Kids. The threat of losing our children to peers is stronger than ever now due to our technologic advances, as well as the progressive loss of solid, cultural foundations in families. While we push our kids to become independent and autonomous, could we be unconsciously pushing them away from us far sooner than they are ready? This book opened my eyes to the little ways that I may have been inadvertently sending these messages to my children. I have to thank Stacy and her post here for recommending this book. By the way, are you on Good Reads? Wanna be friends?

I've started two new books. Anne of Greene Gables by L.M. Montgomery is one that has been on my list for years. After putting it off for so long, I figured it to be too juvenile for me anymore. Thanks to a little push from this lovely blogger, I was wrong. I have only finished the first 6 chapters, but I adore Anne Shirley--this spritely and fantastic young girl with the most wondrous imagination. A true love affair has begun.

And there is Tree Spirits: Tales and Encounters, written and illustrated beautifully by Heather Preston.

a page from the book

This book is Preston's personal account on her search for the spirit of trees. Through folklore and stories of several cultures, from the mouths of shamans, through research, and through her own intuitive sense that something exists beyond bark and root, this book is about the connection that we know exists between ourselves and the mighty tree. Her illustrations are delightful, reverent, and beautiful. When I wrote the last post about the old oak not too far from our home, I hadn't even cracked this book open yet.  And now, as I walk arm and arm with this book, one word comes to mind, serendipity...

Cheers to you on this Thursday!!

xoxo

"Man reading should be man intensely alive. The book should be a ball of light in one’s hand."

~Ezra Pound

I have weird kids

You've met them before, you know, the weird homeschooled kids. The ones that seem to have socialized with far more adults than kids. The kind that will actually shake hands with you, look you in the eyes, and take the time to have a conversation with you before running off to play with their friends. The kind that will show affection to their mother and father, in public, or wear a tail or costume all day, or proudly show you his plush bear that he's had for 9 years, without any thought to who's watching or what a peer (or adult) might think. The kind of kids that will play with all age groups and not compare who's older, who's taller, who has better clothes, or a fancy phone. The kind of kids that will stop to help a younger one tie their shoes without being told and without hesitation.

They are also the kind of kids that have a strong sense what what's right and what's wrong. They have no fear in telling a peer "no" or if what they think they did is wrong. So when these kind of kids get picked on or called names for absolutely no reason at all (twice in one week actually) and by kids they don't even know, they get a little confused as to why. And what's even more confusing, is when these kids have the courage to tell the other parents that their kids were being mean, and those parents laugh it off, and say "oh you know, they're just being kids." These kids don't understand that this is common in a different schooled life. They have never had reason to pick on another child, to say terrible things like "worm" or "midget", and don't understand why another might. Perhaps, this is part of their wierdness, that they haven't become accustomed to brutal teasing, unprovoked meanness, and superficial comparisons. Perhaps some would call this the "real" world. Perhaps, my kids are strange because in their lives, they know their actions reflect how they feel about themselves, and how they feel about the world around them. In their lives, treating others how they want to be treated is not just a "rule", but a living, breathing understanding. And in their lives, where their parents are their greatest influence, when they can be happy being exactly themselves, there is absolutely no cause for bitterness, comparison, or hate.

I understand now that my children have been sheltered from this kind of playground politics. I don't know about you, but I find it sad that some would consider this kind of world, the "real" world. And I don't know about you, but I would rather have weird kids that can believe in a better kind of world and a better way of treating people, than have them accept the "real" world as a world without compassion and without unconditional kindness. When I started homeschooling, I admittedly feared that I would be the one with the weird kids, and look at me now.

Disclaimer: Please know that I know, not all schooled children are mean like the ones we encountered this week. In fact, school may have absolutely nothing to do with it. We know that conscious parenting is the key to raising kind and respectful children, yet none can deny the kind of meanness that occurs in groups of children without adult supervision. What does this mean? How is that children can be one way with parents, and another way when parents are not looking? Is it children's nature to do so? I do not believe so at all. I believe every behavior is a reflection of what is happening inside a person, some easily explained, some not. The sooner we help children understand this--- the sooner we understand this about ourselves, the better off we will all be. But... alas, that is a whole other post isn't it :)...

Peace to you friends...
xoxo

Free

Something happens to a child when they begin to understand what it feels to be "free", and when they start to believe that they have a right to respect like everyone else.

The other day amongst other children, one of the mothers in the group was telling the children not to be too loud as to not upset the other adults in the public area. A reasonable request of course. My daughter M. was singled out to confirm that she heard these instructions. We have not known these people long, but adults that are use to control, order and obedience can spot M. like a pink donkey in a sea of brown.  M. did respond with a "yes".  But I am guessing this mother was not convinced as she proceeded to try to correct M. by responding with "How about a yes, MA'AM?"

This is when I felt my body tense, not because this woman was trying to correct my daughter, but because I had no idea how M. would respond.  For some people this would not have been a big deal. The child would respond obediently "yes ma'am", or the child's parent would encourage the "yes, ma'am" and life goes on.  But let's be honest, what this woman proposed to my daughter was a challenge in control and a demand for respect. I knew it, and M. knew it. She can smell it when someone asks her to lay down her own will, something she does not give up easily.

I watched and waited. I did not want to intervene yet I admit I don't think I took one breath at all. I truly had no idea what she would do. Her behavior is of the unpredictable sort driven by one thing, her own inner compass. She stared at the woman for a moment. I watched her body shift nervously from one foot to another. And with just a minute amount of hesitancy only I would notice, M. reinforced her own voice with a plain old "yes." I finally breathed, and turned to suppress my own smile.

Please understand, I have nothing against the use of "ma'am" and "sir".  I believe they are terms of respect completely justified when deserved.  What this was was a challenge of a child's own self respect versus an adult's need to know she was in control. What I will resist 'till I can no longer breath is the assumption that children mindlessly need to concede dominance to an adult (who is unquestionably stronger and more powerful) just because they are children.  Children know every day that adults have more power, and everyday they are looking for the small opportunities to gain their own independence.  We can control every last bit of them if we wanted to, but then when we do, how do they learn to trust and stand up for themselves? When do they learn that blind compliance is not necessarily the answer to self confidence and self respect?

I was proud of my daughter for asserting herself and standing her ground. To her, this little exchange probably didn't mean anything. But to me, it meant much more. It meant that my six year old has a greater undestanding of freedom than I ever did at six.

This won't be the last time this happens. I get comments on how hubs and I are going to have a tough time when she is older. "She just does whatever she wants doesn't she? She is so strong-willed!"
I nod, smile, and then say "Yes, she certainly is..."

xx oo

(Not so)Wordless Wednesday ~ Forgiveness

She wanted to move out yesterday.  After moving most of her favorite things into the hallway outside of her bedroom, she instructed me to sell them. Then, she went to the garage and strapped herself into the car and closed the van door.

I waited. And knowing she couldn't let herself out of the carseat straps by herself, I went to the garage and opened the car door.  My heart was sinking.  If ever I felt like a total failure as a parent it was in that moment.  Obviously I screwed up somewhere and did something to make her feel worse than when we started.  

As I stood there in my garage with my half-naked daughter strapped in the carseat, I said to her "You are still angry."  She said "Yes, I am still angry. No.  I feel sadness, and I feel guilty."

"Guilty for saying the things you said to me?"
"Yes" and her tears began to flow again.  I knew exactly how she was feeling--to have said and done things that I've regretted, to feel so bad about myself that I wished for a new me.  I knew we both played a role in these awful feelings she was having.  But in that moment, there was nothing else I could do but help her sift through them, identify and name them. 

"You know, I have many things I feel guilty and have sadness for, and so does Daddy.  We've done and said a lot of things we wished we never did."
A look of recognition came over her face.  We have talked about these things before.
"Like when you use to yell?"
"Yes.  And even though we can't take those things back, we do have one very special, very powerful thing we can do to help each other."
Her eyes lit up, as if a hint of magic suddenly appeared.
"What?!"
"Forgiveness. It's the one thing we can do to help each other start over and try again."
A deep breath and with a sigh,
"I'm sorry Mom."
"I'm sorry, too."
A hug, a big one, and then with a smile,
"You know you're going to have to help me put all my stuff back in my room."
And now a deep breath and a sigh of relief from me,
"I'd be happy to."

I know where I went wrong.  That has become the easy part as it's always the same thing.  When my own feelings of hurt or anger overpower my sense of rationale, when ego wants to speak louder than humility, that's when I screw up.  Some days I am on it, and other days, I'm not.  That variability I believe, is the human factor, and I can forgive myself for that.  And my ability to forgive myself has been matched with an ability to forgive others.  I don't believe this is a coincidence, at all.

The power of forgiveness, in many ways, is like magic.  The only catch is that we have to allow ourselves to use it, and believe in it with all our hearts.

much love
xx oo

P.S. Joining Wordless Wednesday, Natural Parents Network, 5 minutes for Mom,
Hobo Mama

Nature's weave

Welcome to the May Carnival of Natural Parenting: Growing in the Outdoors
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they encourage their children to connect with nature and dig in the dirt. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I believe it was in Richard Louv's book where I read that the greatest bonds we make with our childhood memories are somewhere between 9 and 14 years old (give or take a couple years).  At that time, I was in Ohio running in the woods and climbing the hills, playing in the snow and falling in the leaves, swimming in the lake and fishing on the dock, and catching fireflies or picking the peonies.  These are the things I remember and the memories I keep. These moments, though seemingly immemorable at the time, had marked me forever, and thus my weave with nature had begun. 

Since that time, whether it's an innate sense of longing, a strong need for clarity, or just a simple search for joy, communing with nature is as vital to me as breathing air.  Nature's weave runs deeply rooted to my spirit, with fibers that feel firmly planted, but always searching for room to stretch its branches. The hikes, the birds, the trees, sunsets and sunrises temper me with gratitude and peace.  I am grounded in an instant, and reminded of where I truly come from, and where I will return to when my life is done.  It is this grounding and earthly, yet spiritual awareness that I would want for my children. Whether it grows in them or not, is not for me to say.  But I can show them my own roots and offer to plant seeds, as they were once planted in me.


The only way I know how to build this bond is just by doing, grasping at every opportunity to explore our surroundings.  I have learned that going outside, just for the sake of going outside, doesn't quite entice my children (especially with all the technological distractions available). But to go outside to climb trees, hunt for butterflies, or search for snails, now those things spark their spirits and invoke joy. 

I spend time every week writing a list of places we have not been and want to visit.  Today, I added Jekyll Island to our list.  Opportunities abound if we remain open, and take them as they come.  I have learned to say "yes", "soon" or "someday" to every single one that comes our way.  In the past month, we have gone canoeing, picked wildflowers, visited a butterfly forest, rode bikes on the beach, swam in the ocean, and hiked in the woods.  Simply, I offer opportunity, facilitate, assist, try to answer questions, then I step out of the way.  Naturally, learning is a beautiful byproduct. Nature does the rest as she has a story all her own to tell, and children love her stories. They dive deep, live and breathe in them, just as I did when I was young.

Without opportunity for adventure and exploration, it's easy to miss all that is being offered.  But once my mind is open to meeting those opportunities, nothing seems improbable. Long drives mean little to see and feel something spectacular. Curiosity and passion will guide them in their weaving.  And the closer they draw to nature, the stronger she will rein them in. Maybe the ties will strengthen between them, permanently imprinting a craving and a need for more.  At least, that is what I hope for.

***
Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Get Out! — Momma Jorje gives reasons she doesn't think she gets outside enough and asks for your suggestions on making time for the outdoors.
• How Does Your Garden Grow? — The ArtsyMama shares her love of nature photography.
• We Go Outside — Amy at Peace 4 Parents describes her family's simple, experiential approach to encouraging appreciation of nature.
• My Not-So-Green Thumb — Wolfmother confesses to her lack of gardening skills but expresses hope in learning alongside her son at Fabulous Mama Chronicles.
• Enjoying Outdoors — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine describes how her children enjoy the nature.
• Five Ideas to Encourage the Reluctant Junior Gardener — For the rare little ones who don't like to get their hands dirty, Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers tips for encouraging an early love of dirt (despite the mess).
• Connecting to Nature — Mamapoekie shares how growing your own vegetable patch connects your child to nature and urges them to not take anything for granted.
• The Farmer's Market Classroom — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction shares how the Farmer's Market has become her son's classroom.
• Seeds — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment's hubby Ken shares his perspective on why gardening with their kiddos is so important . . . and enjoyable!
• Toddlers in the Garden — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares her excitement as she continues to introduce her toddler and new baby to the joys of fresh veggies, straight from the garden.
• Nature's Weave — MJ at Wander Wonder Discover explains how nature weaves its way into our lives naturally, magnetically, experientially, and spiritually.
• Becoming Green — Kristina at Hey Red celebrates and nurtures her daughter's blossoming love of the outdoors.
• Little Gardener — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis looks forward to introducing her baby girl to gardening and exploring home grown foods for the first time.
• Cultivating Abundance — You can never be poor if you have a garden! Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on what she cultivates in her garden . . . and finds it's a lot more than seeds!
• Growing in the Outdoors: Plants and People — Luschka at Diary of a First Child reflects on how she is growing while teaching her daughter to appreciate nature, the origins of food, and the many benefits of eating home-grown.
• How Not to Grow — Anna at Wild Parenting discusses why growing vegetables fills her with fear.
• Growing in the Outdoors — Lily at Witch Mom Blog talks about how connecting to the natural world is a matter of theology for her family and the ways that they do it.
• A Garden Made of Straw — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares tips on making a straw bale garden.
• The Tradition of Gardening — Carrie at Love Notes Mama reflects on the gifts that come with the tradition of gardening.
• Gardening Smells Like Home — Bethy at Bounce Me to the Moon hopes that her son will associate home grown food and lovely flowers with home.
• The New Normal — Patti at Jazzy Mama writes about how she hopes that growing vegetables in a big city will become totally normal for her children's generation.
• Outside, With You — Amy at Anktangle writes a letter to her son, a snapshot of a moment in the garden together.
• Farmer Boy — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares how her son Joshua helps to grow and raise their family's food.
• Growing Kids in the Garden — Lisa at Granola Catholic shares easy ways to get your kids involved in the garden.
• Growing Food Without a Garden — Don't have a garden? "You can still grow food!" says Mrs Green of Little Green Blog. Whatever the size of your plot, she shows you how.
• Growing Things — Liz at Garden Variety Mama shares her reasons for gardening with her kids, even though she has no idea what she's doing.
• Moments — UK Mummy Blogger explains how the great outdoors provides a backdrop for her family to reconnect.
• Condo Kid Turns Composter and Plastic Police — Jessica from Cloth Diapering Mama has discovered that her young son is a true earth lover despite living in a condo with no land to call their own.
• Gardening with Baby — Sheila at A Gift Universe shows us how her garden and her son are growing.
• Why to Choose Your Local Farmer's Market — Naturally Nena shares why she believes it's important to teach our children the value of local farmers.
• Unfolding into Nature — At Crunchy-Chewy Mama, Jessica Claire shares her desire to cultivate a reverence for nature through gardening, buying local food, and just looking out the window.
• Urban Gardening With Kids — Lauren at Hobo Mama shares her strategies for city gardening with little helpers — without a yard but with a whole lot of enthusiasm.
• Mama Doesn't Garden — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life is glad her husband is there to instill the joys of gardening in their children, while all she has to do is sit back and eat homegrown tomato sandwiches.
• Why We Make this Organic Garden Grow — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares her reasons for gardening with her three small children.
• 5 Ways to Help Your Baby Develop a Love of the Natural World — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama believes it's never too early to foster a love of the natural world in your little one.
• April Showers Bring May PRODUCE — Erika at NaMammaSte discusses her plans for raising a little gardener.
• Growing Outside — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers how to get her kids outside after weeks of spring rain.
• Eating Healthier — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey talks about how she learns to eat healthier and encourages her children to do the same.
• The Beauty of Earth and Heavens — Inspired by Charlotte Mason, Erica at ChildOrganics discovers nature in her own front yard.
• Seeing the Garden Through the Weeds — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro talks about the challenges of gardening with two small children.
• Creating a Living Playhouse: Our Bean Teepee! — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares how her family creates a living playhouse "bean teepee" and includes tips of how to involve kids in gardening projects.
• Grooming a Tree-Hugger: Introducing the Outdoors — Ana at Pandamoly shares some of her planned strategies for making this spring and summer memorable and productive for her pre-toddler in the Outdoors.
• Sowing Seeds of Life and Love — Suzannah at ShoutLaughLove celebrates the simple joys of baby chicks, community gardening, and a semi-charmed country life.
• Experiencing Nature and Growing Plants Outdoors Without a Garden — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares some of her favorite ways her family discovered to fully experience nature wherever they lived.
• Garden Day — Melissa at The New Mommy Files is thankful to be part of community of families, some of whom can even garden!
• Teaching Garden Ettiquette to the Locusts — Tashmica from Mother Flippin' (guest posting at Natural Parents Network) allows her children to ravage her garden every year in the hopes of teaching them a greater lesson about how to treat the world.
• Why I Play with Worms. — Megan of Megadoula, Megamom and Megatired shares why growing a garden and raising her children go hand in hand.

Raising Parents ~ A giveaway

"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves." ~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939

I did read many parenting books when my kids were younger.  I just didn't realize until later that they were the wrong ones!  I listened to the wrong experts and used the wrong methods.  Of course I didn't know it then, but all the signs were there.  It wasn't until I stopped listening to all the experts and started listening to my children, that I began to actually learn something.  I learned that the greatest teachers lived in my own home.  And though I believed we were raising children, our children actually, were raising parents.

Once we brought awareness into our own habits and had a strong desire to change them, we needed support.  Once I knew what I was looking for, the right books, the right ideas, and the right methods began to appear. The first book I ever read that helped us take the first steps towards change was How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.  Even then, we had no idea that more changes had to happen from within.  But at least we had the tools to try to stop yelling, stop assuming, and stop controlling.  It was a great place to start.

We eventually had to ask ourselves the "why's".  Why did we have to control so much? Why were we so quick to yell? Why did we believe things had to be a certain way?  Naomi Aldort's work really helped us in this part of the process, and it is her work that I want to pass on today :).

Trusting Our Children and Trusting Ourselves is a 6 disc CD compilation of 6 keynote presentations by Naomi Aldort at the Rethinking Education conference in 1995.  While her book remains excellent, this CD compilation extends from parenting peacefully into understanding how natural learning works.  Naomi is a strong proponent for life learning and raised all three of her children this way. 

Here is a summary of the content:

Disc 1) Rethinking Education: Debunking common assumptions about child development.

Disc 2, CD 1) Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves Part I: Bring peace and unconditional love into your relationship with your children by understanding your own reaction as different from your child's needs.

Disc 2, CD 2) Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves Part II.

Disc 3) Debunking Praise: Find out why you really praise and at what price.

Disc 4) Children's Behavior and Emotions: Includes many questions from audience members, and Aldort's skillful guidance about understanding children so they can be the best of themselves.

Disc 5) Self Directed Learning: Why children learn best when they follow their own path, timetable and direction, and how to support them toward their own fulfillment.

Disc 6) Equality, Respect and Freedom for Children: From chores to bed time and dinner; how to live with children in a way that they care and respond, not out of fear, but out of joy and love, of their own free will.

You have two opportunities to enter (and please comment separately for each entry): COMMENT CLOSED

1) Please leave a comment below
2) Mention this giveaway on facebook, or your blog if you have one!
Last entries will be taken by midnight Friday, I will draw and announce the winner this Saturday May 7th!!!


much love and luck
xx oo

First things first, then Yarn Along ~ Of Mothers and Women

Wow, first I need say that I am humbled by the thoughtful and amazing comments left by everyone on yesterday's post. You all are so inspiring to me, and I am comforted knowing how many other mothers (fathers, grandparents, and teachers) have discovered or are in the process of discovering the impact that parenting peacefully can have.  Sometimes we can feel awfully lonely on this path of change, but I believe it is clear that we are not.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you...

On a sidenote, for anyone wanting more reading materials on this path of peaceful parenting please visit the Library page.  I have also decided to add a page soon for a list of sites that I go to for peaceful parenting support.  For now, here are my favorites:

Naomi Aldort's site,
Scott Noelle's Enjoy Parenting site
Life Learning Magazine,
Parenting for Social Change,

** I am cooking up a giveaway in response to yesterday's post.  Please come check back soon to enter. Here's a look at what I'm giving away :).

And now for Yarn Along!!!  Joining Ginny today...

Because you know I have to show the results of my fling with Lemongrass from a few weeks ago :).  If I were good at keeping up with Ravelry, I would link there. But, alas, I am not yet.  So you can find the pattern for this lovely Mother's Day Shawl here.  It is a very simple crochet pattern and I have every confidence that if anyone wanted to whip it up for a Mama before Sunday, they could!!

On the reading front, I mentioned a few posts ago that I finished Thirteenth Tale.  A-M-A-Z-I-N-G story I tell you.  I highly recommend it.  It is in the same genre as Forgotten Garden, full of mystery and intrigue, ethereal and dramatic.  I am now onto Friday Night Knitting Club (thanks again to Sherie).  I am looking forward to delving into the camaraderie of women.  As I read the first chapter, I couldn't help thinking that I wish I was a part of a knitting/crochet club.  And then look what I stumbled upon yesterday--  Sip and Knit.  It is a bit of a drive from my house, but how exciting!!!

I finally started adding to my crocheted flowers for the afghan.  I feel more committed to it than I did before.  Guilt, perhaps? 

Looking forward to seeing everyone's creations and reads today...

Cheers!

The Big Dig

Excuses.  I've made them many times.  I think it's only natural when I feel I have to protect something, usually my ego.  But recently I read a thread somewhere where a mom was complaining about a parenting article she read.  She argued that the people who wrote that article (promoting peaceful parenting), probably never had really difficult children of their own.  She argued that when she tried peaceful parenting methods, her child chewed these methods up and spit them back out.  "It doesn't work" she complained, and discounted the validity of the article itself. 

I can understand her pain.  Change is not easy.  Change sucks sometimes.  It's slow and takes time.  But, it takes consistency and persistence, too.  And in the midst of all of that, tears, fears, and exasperation will assuredly flow.  It's hard to trust the process, especially when there is no trust between the parents and children, and no trust in themselves.  I am not patient, though many people believe that I am.  I am not laid back, though it may appear that way.  And I am not a special breed of parent that can parent this way.  What I am more than anything is a changed parent.  What I wanted more than anything was a different me.  I wanted to reach out to her and say-- it's okay, I've been there, and that it does work.  But I also wanted to ask--how willing are you?  How committed are you?  Do you want change bad enough?  Because if you do, you will have to prove it to them, and to yourself, over and again.

I wanted it so much that I was willing to do the work to make that change.  I cried.  They cried.  I yelled.  I slammed doors.  It was very very hard.  I liken it to swimming across a large body of rough, gray waters.  The other side is peace, respect, and a whole new relationship-- a wonderfully close and loving relationship.  I could give up the swim and turn back.  Or, I could tough it out and feel the burn.  When we get a glimpse of how it could be, I believe there is no other option than feeling the burn.  I chose to tough it out.  I talked to my children all the time about what I was feeling, how I was acting, and how I had hoped to respond.  And with all that difficulty and pain, something was happening.  Healing.  Forgiveness.  Vulnerability.  Raw honesty.  I could have believed that this way of parenting would never have worked for me, and I did question myself many times.  But, true healing and true change comes from digging.  I call it the "Big Dig".  I had to find me, the real me, before I could give it to my children.  I was armed with a sincere (perhaps even desperate) desire to change and the willingness to bear discomfort by digging into my emotional past.  I also found support.  Support is imperative, whether it's through books, through parenting groups, and through like-minded parents, and parents who inspire that change is possible.  But if anyone wants sympathy, excuses, or reasons why it wouldn't work, those can be found, too.  Those, are everywhere.

much love
xx oo

I am that mom

Once I believed there were two kinds of parents: those that could control their kids, and those that couldn't. Years and experiences later, I know better now.  Now I see a much different kind of separation between parenting styles, a separation no longer defined by the ability to control, but the ability to let it go.  And, I am that mom who is learning to let go. 

• I am that mom who sometimes says "yes" to dessert before dinner because sometimes it just tastes better that way :).

• I am that mom who slips on bedtimes because cuddling and listening to Harry Potter together is just too sweet, fun, and exciting to turn off any sooner.

• I am that mom that doesn't discipline her children (insert gasp here), because I don't see a need for it anymore.  Because when you replace control with compassion, you see that every behavior, every action, every tantrum, is their way of trying to tell me something.  Because kids don't have the words we do.  But if I wait, if I watch, and if I listen, everything I need to know, is there.

• I am that mom that will give every child, yours or mine, the time of day, even if they are interrupting an "adult" conversation, because what they have to say is just as important to me as what anyone else has to say. 

• I am that mom that will drive her children hours, or fly across country to visit a good friend, because I know the value of a good friend, and good friends are hard to find. 

• I am that mom who will sometimes let her kids watch a whole series on Netflix in 2 or 3 days, because I know what it feels like to fall in love with a great story and not be able to stop until you know the ending.

• I am that mom that will choose to be late for an appointment, to spend the time looking for that one special toy my child needs to bring, because I know what it feels like to lose something and not have something that I need to have.

• I am that mom who will try to stop herself before complaining about her children, because if I am complaining, it's usually not about them at all, it's about me.  It means that my own needs haven't been met and that is my problem, not theirs.

• I am that mom that believes in giving with no strings attached.  I give because it's something I want to do for them.  I don't expect special conditions or eternal gratitude.  A thank you would be nice, but I won't hold it against them if they forget.  Because sometimes in the excitement of things, we all forget. 

• I am that mom who will spontaneously agree to go to Sea World, or the beach, or ice cream, or the bouncehouse, or the zoo, because sometimes following the whims of a child is the most fun and amazing thing you can do.

• I am that mom that will let her kids spend all their money, even when we know saving is important, because in the end, it is still their money.  And, because sometimes we have to lose things before we understand their real value.

• I am that mom that will stay with her child every night until she falls asleep to help her feel safe, because when she tells me that she needs me, I want her to know that I will always be there.

• I am that mom that makes mistakes all the time, and sometimes forgets to let go.  I am also that mom that apologizes to her kids for those mistakes, because it's one of the most honest and freeing thing a mom can do, for herself and her children.

This post was originally inspired by Ronnie, then re-inspired by Jeff's latest post.  Thank you Melissa, who brought me back there.  You helped remind me that I have always wanted to write that I am that mom. 

Please click the banner to visit other "I'm That Mom" entries :).
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