Let them fall...

Tears, tears, tears. My eyes are leaking a lot lately. Some good things, many stressful things, sad things, sometimes regretful things. I have learned to be friendly to my tears and not shut them out when they want to visit. Not that I have any control over them anymore. Maybe this happens as we get older. It's far too much energy to not cry than it is to just let them fall away. Powerful moments of gratitude, sadness, solitude, love and exhilaration take their long, delicate fingers and curl them around my heart, squeezing until the water flows.

I cried while dancing in my class last week. That shook me by surprise. I was in the music, moving this body and stretching my arms up, reaching for things beyond what was in that room. Then, a wave of emotion climbed up my spine, through my lungs and throat then out my eyes, flooding, cleansing and washing out whatever they yearned to define. These were happy, overwhelming, completely immersed-in-what-I-was-doing tears, tears of feeling connected with things that I could not see, only feel, and feel very deeply. Maybe that is why when we cry, our vision gets blocked and blurred. In that moment, we aren't meant to see anything.

Wishing you a wonderful Thursday, tears and all...

xoxo

Oh mama...

I have a confession to share. I have been a bad mommy. Living in a small, temporary space (900 sq. foot), navigating in a brand new and unfamiliar town, and frantically searching for a suitable and affordable place to call home, as well as hunting for the beds and furniture to fill it, has brought out a stressed and overwhelmed mama. And in my hungry search for routine and normalcy, I've been neglectful, even angry, at the seemingly excessive needs of my children. Though I am fully aware that they are as overwhelmed and out of sorts as I am, if not more, their neediness grasped for more attention than I wanted to give. So, instead of a patient and kind mom, they got a resentful and snippety mom. Yuck. I felt it, I knew it, and yet I wanted to sit in this defiant mud bath for awhile. The human strikes again, in all its indignant glory. I can see the reason in it. I can be kind to myself and appreciate it as a normal reaction to life events. Yet, there is so much responsibility in indulging in these feelings. Little eyes are watching, little hearts are feeling, little minds are absorbing.  I knew I had to snap out of it, or at least have a good, cathartic cry, and I did. I climbed into the shower and just let the tears pour...



Tears are like magic aren't they? When we release them, suddenly letting go is so much easier. The feelings had served their purpose in letting me know what was going on inside, but now I had to choose to focus on what was really important, my children and helping them handle their emotions, too. I had some mending to do with my babes and there is one remedy that works over and again. First, the apology. Second, we needed to have fun together--time to play and time to laugh, in whatever manner they chose. Oh, the smiles we receive when we can show our children that despite all of our adult worries, that we can still make them feel important, and that we can have good, honest F-U-N. Children thrive on it, and we should, too.

So there was frisbee soccer, there was swimming in the rec. pool and sliding down the water slide, there was snuggling and loving, there was listening to all their projects and their stories, there was signing up for volunteering at the Humane Society for dog walking, and there was talk of their hopes, their desires, and what they want out of all of this. And right now, *sigh*, what they really want is a dog......good god let there be mercy on me...

Hope you have a fantastic and invigorating weekend filled with FUN!!!
xoxo

p.s. I think this could still be loosely linked to Joy Pockets and This Moment, yes?

Everything and nothing

This weekend, we had three very quiet, childless days as my boy and girl headed south to Palm Beach with their grandparents. It's been a long while since my house was that silent for that long, but my mission was clear. Armed with boxes, a sharpie and packing tape, my chance had arrived to tackle my children's bedrooms.

Looking around at all of the (temporarily) abandoned toys, lifeless and calm from their vacated playmates, I could still feel my children here, like a scent that weaves itself through a home, laying claim to everything it touches. As I bent down to clean up this little table of wooden chairs, with gemstones and rocks placed attentively on every surface, with wooden animals, horse stickers, and magnet skeletonheads in attendance, I could hear my daughter's voice in each and every character. Dismantling it right away just didn't feel right, and I wondered at the story behind it all. I paused, gazed, and listened.

And it was the same in my son's room, my son who saves everything...from an old bloody bandaid pinned up on his wall (boys....), to a magazine collage of teddy bears he made when we was three, to a 5 foot long crochet chain he made when he was six. As often I as I have been disgruntled at these objects, toys, and souvenirs, stepping on them, tripping over them, and having cleaned them up every other day, I do know they have been essential to my children's stories, passions, and youth.

I know I am overly sentimental lately, and maybe paying more attention to the little sparks and reflections that tell us who we are provides comfort. In the end though, these sentimental feelings really are only reflections, and a validation that things change, move, flow, evolve.

So some things have been neatly and gently packed, others have been placed in a give away pile, and most things have been placed in a sell pile, including my large, green, beautiful shelf from Bali.
And from this I am learning.
I am finding peace in knowing I have taken nothing for granted.
I am finding peace in knowing I am deeply grateful for everything.
And with this peace, I am finding that I can let it all go...

"That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything—every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate—is always changing, moment to moment."
~ Pema Chodron

Wishing you a beautiful Monday...

Linking with Amanda for Weekending...
 xoxo

I am that mom

Once I believed there were two kinds of parents: those that could control their kids, and those that couldn't. Years and experiences later, I know better now.  Now I see a much different kind of separation between parenting styles, a separation no longer defined by the ability to control, but the ability to let it go.  And, I am that mom who is learning to let go. 

• I am that mom who sometimes says "yes" to dessert before dinner because sometimes it just tastes better that way :).

• I am that mom who slips on bedtimes because cuddling and listening to Harry Potter together is just too sweet, fun, and exciting to turn off any sooner.

• I am that mom that doesn't discipline her children (insert gasp here), because I don't see a need for it anymore.  Because when you replace control with compassion, you see that every behavior, every action, every tantrum, is their way of trying to tell me something.  Because kids don't have the words we do.  But if I wait, if I watch, and if I listen, everything I need to know, is there.

• I am that mom that will give every child, yours or mine, the time of day, even if they are interrupting an "adult" conversation, because what they have to say is just as important to me as what anyone else has to say. 

• I am that mom that will drive her children hours, or fly across country to visit a good friend, because I know the value of a good friend, and good friends are hard to find. 

• I am that mom who will sometimes let her kids watch a whole series on Netflix in 2 or 3 days, because I know what it feels like to fall in love with a great story and not be able to stop until you know the ending.

• I am that mom that will choose to be late for an appointment, to spend the time looking for that one special toy my child needs to bring, because I know what it feels like to lose something and not have something that I need to have.

• I am that mom who will try to stop herself before complaining about her children, because if I am complaining, it's usually not about them at all, it's about me.  It means that my own needs haven't been met and that is my problem, not theirs.

• I am that mom that believes in giving with no strings attached.  I give because it's something I want to do for them.  I don't expect special conditions or eternal gratitude.  A thank you would be nice, but I won't hold it against them if they forget.  Because sometimes in the excitement of things, we all forget. 

• I am that mom who will spontaneously agree to go to Sea World, or the beach, or ice cream, or the bouncehouse, or the zoo, because sometimes following the whims of a child is the most fun and amazing thing you can do.

• I am that mom that will let her kids spend all their money, even when we know saving is important, because in the end, it is still their money.  And, because sometimes we have to lose things before we understand their real value.

• I am that mom that will stay with her child every night until she falls asleep to help her feel safe, because when she tells me that she needs me, I want her to know that I will always be there.

• I am that mom that makes mistakes all the time, and sometimes forgets to let go.  I am also that mom that apologizes to her kids for those mistakes, because it's one of the most honest and freeing thing a mom can do, for herself and her children.

This post was originally inspired by Ronnie, then re-inspired by Jeff's latest post.  Thank you Melissa, who brought me back there.  You helped remind me that I have always wanted to write that I am that mom. 

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