"We are all wanderers on this earth...our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams." ~ Gypsy proverb

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

What's going on here

Sometimes I liken my brain to a crowded train station full of traveling feelings, working hard to get to where they need to go. Often times they get stuck, delayed, or off on the wrong train. I can usually stand in the corner and watch these feelings pass by me. I see every single one, but most I may ignore until they are really lost. Then, if I choose to, I can tap them on the shoulder and show them the way out. The choice is always mine. The past couple days, I have been letting them stay lost. I really am not ready to get out from underground yet, but I know it's time.

Worry was here:
Little M. was in the E.R. this weekend. She's been really sick for the past 5 days with a terribly insidious stomach virus. She is finally getting better now thank goodness, but she hadn't eaten and barely drank anything for 4 days. She has lost so much weight, her body is like a thin and fragile wire frame. She is gaining strength now, though I feel like an eager food pusher watching her every move. I don't have to tell you what that's like, to see your babe get so sick and have every worst scenario enter your mind.

Joy passed by:
We have a contract on the house :). We found this out the same day I was in the hospital with M., so while I was grappling with worry, joy passed by.  What's left is some cautious optimism, we need a good appraisal for this contract to stick. Now we wait, and hope...

Fear came back:
Please forgive this bluntness, there is no soft way to write this. One of our young neighbors (14) may have been violated sexually on Sunday. I can't seem to type the other word. She was alone at home, there were six teenage boys, and it was the middle of the day. We don't know all the facts yet, but what we do know is enough. My heart goes out to her and her family. And now you know what I've been sitting with the past couple days.  My blinds have remained drawn and the doors locked. I had worked hard to get comfortable enough to let E. play on the driveway or in the front yard without constant vigilance. And now that is lost, fear has returned, and I am tired from the swirl of emotions that has flooded me this past weekend.

And now where to go from here. I know I get to say when enough is enough. Good and bad things happen, and we get to decide what we dwell upon, how we dwell upon them and how long. I am back at the train station, and the choice is still mine. Today, I have decided it will be different. Perhaps not normal, but better. Today I will seek out joy, I will seek out fun, I will seek out faith and happiness, and I will help these emotions find their way out. Today, my blinds will be opened. Today we will play outside. Today I will not worry about M and her weight. Today I will not dwell on what may or may not happen. Today I will remember the sweet things in life, and I will pray for peace and solace to those who need it most. And then today, I will remember to smile :)...


much love and joy to you...
xx oo

30 comments:

  1. As I read your post MJ I had a whole mixture of emotions run thru me...sad/worry for your daughter since I have been there and done that, joy about the house [yay!], sick and despair for a 14 year old little girl, anger at the boys who violated her and then hope...hope that today, tomorrow, next year will be better and all will come away from these experiences stronger and better. Much love to you and I'm so glad your blinds are open! xx

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  2. Oh! My heart goes out to you MJ. It's a scary world out there sometimes. And it takes real courage to choose to see the beauty and to believe in the goodness of things, rather then get immobilized by the fear. You are making good choices, for you & your family. Yay! on the house contract.

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  3. i am with you.

    my daughter ended up in the er for a stomach virus when she was four. it was so scary - after several days it was like her light just went off. luckily when she got fluids and some anti vommitting medicine she felt better. but if we were in another, poorer country - she would have died. i was pregnant at the time, so my emotions were so strong.

    and dear god, your neighbor! this is where i knock heads with free ranging it. yeah, there are some fears that are unfounded - but if you are a girl, sexual assault is not uncommon. get any group of women together and you will find out basically everyone has been sexually assaulted to some degree. many just laugh about it and say, oh well, we all turned out all right. but that just normalizes it and lets it continue.

    and yay for your house. are you staying in the same area?

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  4. oh my mj. you've been in the ringer. i'm so glad your baby is better. that's so scary and our minds do go to the worst places...if only briefly, it's still just the worst place. and your neighbor. words can't express, can they. my mind goes so quickly to the boys and what sort of conditioning brought them to a place where that becomes possible. and good luck on the house! that's exciting...colorado would love you guys!

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  5. oh mama..... big hugs to you. i adore your train station description of your awareness of your emotions- that is just perfect. heavy stuff... important feelings to have... and then show them the way out. :) healing vibes to m...

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  6. I'm praying for you, your daughter, and your neighbor...Blessings and Peace be with you...

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  7. Oh, what a roller coaster of emotions you have been through MJ!
    I'm so sorry about your little girl. There is nothing worse than seeing them go through a sickness :(
    And what happened to your neighbour is terrible and tragic.
    (((Hugs)))

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  8. what a week my friend.
    i was looking at my own girl's diminished frame and reminded myself that skinnyness doesn't equal sickness - she's recovered, that's what matters.

    and your neighbour, ugh. i'm a peaceful person but such stories makes me want to hurt whoever was responsible. i hope at least the law does something.

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  9. Yes, that's a lot of things to think on. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way for both your daughter to be well and for the house to sell. Also my thoughts go out to the 14 year old you spoke of. Stay strong!

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  10. oooh... mj. so much happening in your world right now. i'm glad to hear little m is on the mend but sorry about your neighbor girl. were these boys she knew from school? or complete strangers? it's awful either way. i'm sorry it happened so close to you too. terrifying. i hope the contract is solid and you can soon build your new lives together.

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  11. i am so sorry you had to go through all that! hope your daughter recovers fast and hope the trains start coming and going rithmycaly by the station... my thoughts are with you : )

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  12. What a whirlwind of emotions for you! Hoping that the little M continues to feel better and sending prayers for the girl in your neighborhood. Keeping my fingers (and toes!) crossed for your house.

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  13. Lots of love to you, dear MJ. I felt so many emotions just reading your post - my heart is aching for you with all you've been dealing with lately.
    Sending a prayer for your sweet M, good house news and that poor teenage girl and her family. Wish I could give you a big hug in person.
    xoxoR

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  14. It's been a tough few days, eh? I won't begin to act like I understand where your heart is, but I will say that when fear topples the days for whatever reason, joy is the only hope I know to offer people. I wish you love and light... and send prayers for your neighborhood.

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  15. I am sitting here sending you so much love and light right now, MJ. SO much.

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  16. My, MJ - sending a big hug to you!!!

    I hope your little one continues on the road of recovery. For your neighbor, I can't even begin to imagine. She and her family have a very long journey ahead. I hope the Universe gives them the strength and guidance they need.

    Open up those blinds, my friend. Don't let the fears win.

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  17. Oh MJ I'm sending hugs your way...What a crazy time you've had. Glad your little one is on the road to recovery, so hard to see them ill.

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  18. Wow. So sorry for all of that. Yes thoughts can come and go and we can control our minds to some extent....
    but our children are our children and the reality is that there are plenty of things to fear in this world. No amount of spiritual work has ever made me think more peacefully about people who do terrible things.
    Love you dear! Glad your daughter is ok. XO
    C

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  19. So much going on for your right now MJ. Hugs to your sweet girl and that she returns to her robust self soon. For your neighbours child, I send my thoughts and hope they have support to get through. Fingers crossed for the contract on your house. Jacinta x

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  20. Oh, my goodness. I'm behind as usual, but once again inspired by your open-hearted approach to life. There is so much wisdom and so much emotion in these words, and I felt many things as I read them, but most of all, I'm hopeful for what this contract might bring and for a quick recovery for M. Thinking of your family!

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  21. I'm glad your daughter is on the mend, MJ. In regards to your neighbor's daughter -- well, I hope she is able to mend and her parents keep a closer eye on what's going on in their own home. Just sayin'.

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  22. What a diverse and intense set of emotions tugging at your heart, MJ. Sending healing thoughts to your daughter and neighbor.

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  23. I am behind in blog reading. Mercy I am happy your sweetie is doing better. I know exactly what you mean about the fear and worry and worse scenarios and society's crazy in general. So I am sending you, your family and your neighbors' child. Mercy.

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  24. Great, honest post. Being a mother is a burdensome thing sometimes. So much, so much. Your train metaphor was perfect. Fear is a horrible thing. What is the line between paranoia and responsible parenting? How do we turn off the "what ifs..". Judging by the your more recent post you are in a better frame of mind. Hope your daughter is back to full health soon and your house closes soon.
    Cheers,
    Leah

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  25. Great, honest post. Being a mother is a burdensome thing sometimes. So much, so much. Your train metaphor was perfect. Fear is a horrible thing. What is the line between paranoia and responsible parenting? How do we turn off the "what ifs..". Judging by the your more recent post you are in a better frame of mind. Hope your daughter is back to full health soon and your house closes soon.
    Cheers,
    Leah

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  26. lots of stress for you to process- so sorry - I'll be praying for your neighbor- I'm with you on the constant vigilance thing though, unfortunately- these days we can no longer let our children run free to explore (one of the reasons we do what we do on our adventures) My heart goes out to that young girl and her family- the fear resonates with me from my own experience in childhood- it sounds as if this poor girl has suffered a much more traumatic situation, but any violation of this sort can shake ones very foundation. I can imagine how worried you have been over your own daughter! We have been blessed with healthy children- but P once had a seizure (from fever) that scared me near to death- it only took hours for me to find out he was going to be ok and not days- I know your mothers heart is weary - so glad you are getting some relief now. I applaud you for directing your thoughts toward the positive. It's easier said than done when processing so much at once! (good girl) :) hope your house deal goes smoothly (I've been a Realtor in FL for many years- SAHM now but still up to date- if you have any questions or want to run anything by me feel free) I'm sure you have it all covered - just know you have a "friend" familiar with the biz for support if you need it!

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  27. MJ, I do hope that M is on the mend. It can be a slow process, especially when it's a place where our heart lives constantly, but something tells me she's strong enough. : )

    As for the blinds drawn, well, I've been in that place since New year's eve and while I've tried to ignore it, the suspicions and second guessing rears it's head everytime a new article is in the paper. There is a week long series running this week, bringing everything to the forefront in my mind, once again. I haven't mentioned this on the blog but they realeased the suspect they arrested months ago and it's quite possible they will never know who committed such a horrendous act. All I can share with you from my experience is that life must and will go on, never quite the same but it will and finding joy is the best way to recover.

    Hugs,
    Andrea

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  28. mj~ just checkin' in + catchin' up on your blog. wow, what a sequence of events~ hope all is healthy + everything more at peace once again, friend. it's good to keep a watchful eye, but also hoping that trust will find it's place again in your neighborhood once again. xo.

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“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
~ George Bernard Shaw