And, now...

Okay so it's been longer than "see you soon", longer than I had ever planned. I have missed this familiar, little space. I have missed writing. I have missed your writing and stealing glimpses into the lives you share. The life I've lived these past 4 weeks has had my full and complete attention. There has been enough moving stress that only chocolate and wine could soothe, followed by a wondrous journey to the Tetons as a chaperone with my son's school class. Riddled with silent moments, stunning visions, and embraceable lessons, this trip was the essence of unveiling-- things about nature, about the bustling world beyond what my urban eyes are accustomed to seeing, things about my son, about myself, about the mother I am and the mother I still strive to be. And of course, in time, I will share these thoughts with you, as I so love to do.

And so now, we are in our new home and it is finally beginning to feel like mine (as much as a rental can). There is more space to breathe, more room to roam, and even a 14 x 8 space to call my own, a workshop of sorts :). I will show you when the painting is done...

We have a seasonal creek in our backyard, one that just began to flow.
Ducks, Robins, a flurry of Goldfinches, and Northern Flickers are regular visitors to this backyard, massaging my future aspirations as a gray-haired birdwatcher. If only I was quick enough with my camera...

And now I want to say thank you. Thank you to the thoughtful souls that stopped by to say "hi", to ask so politely how I am doing, to let me know that they are still thinking of me and look forward to the next post. I am so warmed by your caring. Please know how much your words have brightened my days.

Much love to you, truly....

xoxo

This place

This place...this place that we have called home for over a year....This place...this place that gave us our first taste of life in Colorado, a place where I so willingly and eagerly planted roots. This place that gave us a wonderful neighborhood full of children and kind people, a place from where we could walk or bike to the store, to trails, to dinner, or to the farmer's market downtown. This place that allowed us to watch our children play safely outside on a quiet street, to have neighbors regularly say "Hey, your kids are welcome to eat with us tonight..."

This tiny little place was never to be our forever home, but it was a place that I thought would hold us just a little longer...But now it's time to say good-bye...

I am mourning deeply my friends, for not just a home and a village, but also for a year that changed our lives completely. We are moving only a few minutes away but the loss feels so much greater. It will be a year that I will never ever forget.

So the moving insanity has found me again...
I hope to show you pics of the new place soon.


Thank you faithful readers for always coming back, knowing you are still here keeps me going and makes me smile..

see you soon

xoxo

Smiling and smitten

Everyday I find new reasons to love where I live. I make mental notes to remind myself of what they are so that I can tell you, but of course when I sit down to write them, my mental notes are useless.  The tiny details have spun into a flurry with all the other daily happenings that occupy my brain.

Luckily though, the things that I love recur on a daily basis, dancing, flaunting and flitting all around me, causing me to pinch myself so that I remember I am not visiting, this is really my home.

Friendship, kindness and an open door....

From the very first day we began unloading our things into this house that sits on a dead end street, that backs up to the community garden, that has a bike path that crosses our front door, we were welcomed with hellos from a family that lives across the street. Soon, within days actually, we met every single neighbor that I could see from my kitchen window.  This may seem uneventful/normal for some, but for us, it never happened before. People here want to know you. They invite you to BBQs, bring you champagne, and begin to write down on pieces of paper all the things we must do in our new hometown.

See the biker?

Outside, outside, outside....

Everyone is outside all. the. time. In the morning, afternoon and evening they are running, biking, walking their dogs, tending their gardens, talking to neighbors, going and coming back to work on their bikes. And before I know it, I am riding my bike to the post office, to the market, and planning hiking dates with new friends.

Kids everywhere...

Yesterday, as I sat on my front stoop, I watched my son play soccer, try to juggle and ride his bike with 3 other boys in the neighborhood. My daughter was upstairs in the house with another neighbor her age playing imaginary games with all the animals in her room.  If there ever was a playmate that was a soulmate for M., it is this darling girl named Ada. These neighborhood children are either at my house or in the front street playing with my children every day.  I have dreamed of this for my children. Only a few short months ago we were struggling, seeking, wishing for more consistent friendships. Dreams do come true, they do.

Dreaming big, dreaming loud...

Finally, space for creativity has begun to unseal and breathe after being boxed in by busyness for so many weeks. The desire to write, to draw, to photograph, and to dream even bigger has trickled back into the fluttering moments of my days. My knitting has remained silent and cold for now, but I expect that to change soon. And as if serendipity was watching my back again, I stumbled across a brochure a couple weeks ago, a brochure that in no way I could ignore.

What this means, I couldn't tell you. I just know that it has ignited some things including the wanderings of a hopeful mind that speaks "what if", "why" and "why not". It has also ignited the naysaying negative side of ego that says "you couldn't", "you're not good enough", and "in your dreams". And I think, exactly--in my dreams is where it should be--because that is where it has always begun. Everything here, began with a dream :).

And a beautiful Wednesday to you...
xoxo

Oh deer!! And the "why"

Okay okay, this Florida girl is enamored. Other than when we stayed in Virginia for a time, having deer in the backyard is certainly a new event for us. But I must ask the seasoned deer watchers, is it normal for deer to lounge in the backyard, among houses and neighboring children on their swingsets, all... day... long?  I found it so strange!!

We were actually able to go outside and just stand within 30 feet of them. They seemed perfectly comfortable--not necessarily tame, just comfortable. This can't be a good thing can it? They did finally leave around dusk, and now I find myself looking out every morning for our wandering neighbors to visit again :).

The Why
Lately, no--actually since we put the house on the market over a year ago, and now since we've arrived in Boulder, the "why" of moving has become a regular question, from friends, family, and new people we have met here. Why did we leave Florida, why did we choose Colorado (originally Virginia), why this big transition and risk, especially when our entire family and all that my children have known is still in FL? I did find two posts about this dated in November 2010 and January 2011, shortly after I started the blog, when my readership was 2.

"The grass is greener where you water it..."

"If we don't change we don't grow, if we don't grow, we are not really living~ Gail Sheehy"

Something happens when two people with the same dreams get together. I will never forget that date in the tiny sushi restaurant.  F. and I sat face to face interrogating each other on our hopes and ideas for the future. We both were moved by nature---specifically mountains, forests, hiking, and an outdoor lifestyle. We both had experiences growing up that anchored our spirituality in these places. Our feelings were indescribable, yet completely identifiable...we were on common ground. Coming from different parts of the world, and having moved frequently as children, we both knew that Florida was not the end place for us.

After that the rest seemed to flow naturally--love, marriage, children, then a nice big house with a pool. We had everything we wanted, except that one big dream that we shared together in that sushi restaurant. We almost let it go. We reasoned that we had a wonderful life, why change anything? Yes, maybe we felt that something was missing, that somewhere we weren't completely satisfied. But wasn't what we had enough to pacify us, to say, it's okay, life IS good just the way it is?

When the economy tanked, that was when the idea that we would really stay in Florida hit me. It was a tough blow. I realized that I had hung onto that dream, even if only by a thread, knowing that I really felt that I--that WE--belonged elsewhere. That was four years ago. I wish I could say that there was some spectacular event that made us kick caution and comfort to the curb, when we purposefully stepped off the beaten path and onto the one less traveled. Reflecting on it now, I will say this:

Unschooling, peaceful parenting, and transforming our thinking from one of robotic existence to one of following our joy changed our lives completely.

We had a major shift within our understanding, that the only thing that stands in the way of positive change is our own belief, that for whatever reason, we just can't do it. The economy, a mortgage, a job, family, money, there will always be really good reasons not to follow our dreams. We finally came to understand that our reasons to actually follow our hearts, were better. Even if we fail, even if/when we make mistakes, lose, cry, falter, at least we know we tried. We gave it a shot. We had to try, following our joy left us with no other option. Isn't this what it's all about?

I fear I have rambled on a bit, but now you know. We are in a place that we have always dreamed about, a place that we can walk out the front door and mountains (though they call them hills here :) are there to greet us every morning. Here is a place that we can commune with nature, and be fulfilled spiritually. We are in a place where our children can understand the importance of their environment, their planet, their beginnings, and perhaps begin to grasp what spirituality really is.

I am so happy to be able to share this with you, maybe even inspire you in some way, to remember some lost dream that perhaps still hangs by a thread. Anything is possible. Anything.

xoxo

ps. I meant to join in Cory's Thrifty Thursday today, but obviously got sidetracked. Please go and visit her link up for thrifting prowess-ness!

The space between the shift

I will tell you that my mind is blank. Empty, zip, zero, vacated, absent. I stare and try to think, what do I have to say? Do I talk about the moving, the goodbyes, the near empty house? The last minute scrambles, the neglected space here? How my camera is cold and my fingers are slow?

As much as I love to use words to describe my feelings, the space between the shift keys feels vast and immobile. It always takes me a few days to read what my heart is possessing, when the head is so overwhelmed that it escapes into its own darkroom for processing. This is where I am.  There is no sadness, just quiet anticipation.  Excitement is bubbling and brewing beneath the surface, waiting patiently for it's own time.  Until then, I am reclusive in wide-eyed wonder as I watch that space between the shift roll as slowly as I can make it. The open road unfolds next Wednesday, until then my friends....

with love ♥

Everything and nothing

This weekend, we had three very quiet, childless days as my boy and girl headed south to Palm Beach with their grandparents. It's been a long while since my house was that silent for that long, but my mission was clear. Armed with boxes, a sharpie and packing tape, my chance had arrived to tackle my children's bedrooms.

Looking around at all of the (temporarily) abandoned toys, lifeless and calm from their vacated playmates, I could still feel my children here, like a scent that weaves itself through a home, laying claim to everything it touches. As I bent down to clean up this little table of wooden chairs, with gemstones and rocks placed attentively on every surface, with wooden animals, horse stickers, and magnet skeletonheads in attendance, I could hear my daughter's voice in each and every character. Dismantling it right away just didn't feel right, and I wondered at the story behind it all. I paused, gazed, and listened.

And it was the same in my son's room, my son who saves everything...from an old bloody bandaid pinned up on his wall (boys....), to a magazine collage of teddy bears he made when we was three, to a 5 foot long crochet chain he made when he was six. As often I as I have been disgruntled at these objects, toys, and souvenirs, stepping on them, tripping over them, and having cleaned them up every other day, I do know they have been essential to my children's stories, passions, and youth.

I know I am overly sentimental lately, and maybe paying more attention to the little sparks and reflections that tell us who we are provides comfort. In the end though, these sentimental feelings really are only reflections, and a validation that things change, move, flow, evolve.

So some things have been neatly and gently packed, others have been placed in a give away pile, and most things have been placed in a sell pile, including my large, green, beautiful shelf from Bali.
And from this I am learning.
I am finding peace in knowing I have taken nothing for granted.
I am finding peace in knowing I am deeply grateful for everything.
And with this peace, I am finding that I can let it all go...

"That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything—every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate—is always changing, moment to moment."
~ Pema Chodron

Wishing you a beautiful Monday...

Linking with Amanda for Weekending...
 xoxo

Chase the moon

Stay still and you may not feel the wind,
but if you brave the night and chase the moon,
she just might carry you until suddenly...
you are flying.

my first sweater waits for me

If I waited until I felt "good enough" to try anything, I would probably never try anything. Usually, confidence waits for me at fear's back door.  So here I am at the front, with willingness gently nudging me forward. I find myself at fear's front door quite a bit these days. The good news, the door is always open to enter and walk through.

I know I talk about our move a lot. As we get closer to the date, finalize our plans, and pack, I feel myself trembling. I have been in Florida most of my life, 27 years. Though I have never felt this place was my true home, I know deeply what I will miss...

the live oaks strung heavy with Spanish Moss,
the salty smell and sandy beaches,
the long fingered palms that paint the sky,
the lakes that scatter, glimmer, and deepen like diamonds,
and the reliable sun, always healing, always uplifting.

I will miss these things, yes, but I would miss more the things I have not seen. Make friends with risk, I tell myself, and she will show you courage....

xoxo

and you? are you taking a risk? I would love to hear yours :).

Where oh where...

Right now there are two giveaways still happening here: Today's the last day to enter the Souvenir giveaway, and the Persisting Souls Photography e-course giveaway runs until next Wednesday :).
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First, thank you for all the sweet blogiversary wishes yesterday. I was so touched by your words :)... Second, I would like to pay homage to Steve Jobs, a true icon and innovator that changed our lives forever. His passing is a great loss and my sympathies are with his family today.

And, I know some of you are wondering, where oh where are we choosing to move to??? Honestly, we still don't know!! And I promise I am not holding back for some blog drama!!

We were smitten with Seattle and Portland (and we do lean towards Seattle).  Each of us have wonderful friends there and budding friendships that I would be thrilled to pursue. Yet, we still have a few more places we want to visit, Boulder, CO included. We have more time than we thought, which I think is causing us to recoil from rushing into a decision. We will be leasing back our home from the new owners after we close at the end of the month. They seem to be completely relaxed and are not rushing to move in. So chances are we will still be here through the holidays to spend time with our extended families :). Strangely enough, I am not worried or stressed about not knowing. I believe we will be happy wherever we go...and in an adventure regardless :).

See you tomorrow for Joy Pockets!!
xoxo

"If we don't change we don't grow, if we don't grow, we are not really living." ~ Gail Sheehy

My beautiful nephew

We were surrounded by friends and family this weekend and my heart warms just thinking about our time together. A time of sharing, laughing, playing, talking, and just being with each other. As the evening came to a close, and as so common it is with me, my mind began to swim about the decisions we have made and the change we are inviting, change that will alter everything we have ever known.

I began this blog only a few short months ago in October.  When I began, we were not here in FL, we were exploring Virginia and the prospect of uprooting our family and moving there. Several decisions later, we have committed to moving and committed to change. Our reasons to move? Simply because we have wanted this for so long--to be near the mountains, the four seasons, to have our own land and even hike in it, to grow something, to have animals, to show our children something more than pavement and amusement parks (please know we love our amusement parks!).  I do love the life we have had here and I am scared of leaving what we know behind.  But even so, I am even more scared of leaving a longtime dream behind.

I have written a lot about fear.  I use to resent it and blame it for past mistakes.  But in reflection, I know that my fear plays as much of a role in growth as courage does.  I should have known, it's the yin and yang again.  Balance.  Fear without courage would bring stagnation, courage without fear would be recklessness.  There is comfort in knowing that when growing, one can't happen without the other.  There is comfort in knowing that fear belongs here in the midst our change, gifting us with feeling closer to our family and friends, encouraging us to love and embrace them longer, and helping us remember to make our time together here, that much sweeter.  Okay...bitter--sweeter :).  That, I think, would be balance.

Yarn along and make dreams happen

Baby, it is COLD outside!!

Yesterday on one of my daily visits to Wabisabi Mama, I learned about "yarn along", where you join other bloggers in posting what you are knitting/crocheting and what you are reading. The original idea came from Ginny at Small Things, and thus the beauty of the blogging world once again reveals itself. How can I not participate when these two things are such a lovely part of my daily routine!!



This is a traditional Granny Square blanket that I started in October. Thirty squares and three months later, all that is left is attaching the squares. Perfect timing for this 20 degree weather out there...

Life Safari by John Strelecky is a wonderfully quick, easy, and engaging story about a man who goes on safari and meets Ma Ma Gombe, who teaches him the importance of dreams and knowing your "big five for life". 

Here is a simple question with perhaps not a simple answer. What are the top five things in your life that you want passionately to do/learn/be/experience-- things that would enable you then to describe your life as having been successful (how ever you define success)? Then, what are you doing daily to meet those five things? Who are you talking to to help you find or achieve those five things? In his book, he explains that every single person in your life plays a role in helping you learn what your Big Five are, as well as in helping you achieve them. It is a thought provoking probe as uncovered by John when he went on his life changing safari to Africa.  I do recommend this book to anyone, whether you feel stuck, stalled, or just would love some inspiration. 

One of my big five (and hub's too), is moving to the mountains and having our own land and animals, and living sustainably and responsibly. It did take awhile, but we are almost there. What took so long was not not knowing what our dream was, but making the decision to make it happen. Our dream together started 12 years ago, our decision to make it happen, only 4 months ago. So, what are your Big Five?  If you want to share just one of yours in the comments, please do, I would LOVE to read them!!

"The grass is greener where you water it." ~ Unknown

There are benefits to living in Orlando. Within a 45 minute time frame, we can visit any local amusement park of our choice watching shows, riding rides or just running around, provided of course we have annual passes. For Sea World, we do, and we went twice last week. We spent most of our time in the children's area. You want to feel like Spiderman? This is where you go. By the way, I totally had the wrong shoes for this. Spiderman would have never made it with flip-flops.

I have been thinking, analyzing, and rethinking quite a bit these days about where we live and where we want to live. Unfortunately, they don't match up right now. In fact, for me, they haven't matched up for over 20 years. Don't we all do that at some point? I mean, I am not the only one right? As if living somewhere else just might change something, in us, or our situation. But, that implies that there is something wrong with the current situation, wouldn't it? Can I say that? Can I say that there is something wrong with our current situation? Well, there is and there isn't. 

I love my life. I love that my entire family is here in Orlando. I love that driving here in Otown is like 2nd nature to me and that I know all the little side streets that help me avoid traffic.  I love that the beach is within an hour's drive, I love that we live on a gorgeous bike trail within 3 miles of an adorable downtown. I love our house, with our pool, and I love that we have taken the idea of living in Florida to the maximum level of benefit that we had only imagined just a few short years ago.  We have watered our grass here and our roots run deep.  

So what is the problem? Just a gut wrenching realization and feeling that we have unanswered questions, hopes and ideas.  Questions, hopes and ideas that we have had for years and that we feel can't be answered here. There is no way to know for sure, absolutely no guarantee, these questions will be answered by moving and uprooting now. We know it's a risk, especially in this economy. We know we would give up comfort, familiarity, and security. Yet if we let fear guide our answers, the answers will always be the same. Well, we are ready for new answers. We are ready to take the risks. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen, but one thing is for sure, I will be armed with my watering can :).