Oh deer!! And the "why"

Okay okay, this Florida girl is enamored. Other than when we stayed in Virginia for a time, having deer in the backyard is certainly a new event for us. But I must ask the seasoned deer watchers, is it normal for deer to lounge in the backyard, among houses and neighboring children on their swingsets, all... day... long?  I found it so strange!!

We were actually able to go outside and just stand within 30 feet of them. They seemed perfectly comfortable--not necessarily tame, just comfortable. This can't be a good thing can it? They did finally leave around dusk, and now I find myself looking out every morning for our wandering neighbors to visit again :).

The Why
Lately, no--actually since we put the house on the market over a year ago, and now since we've arrived in Boulder, the "why" of moving has become a regular question, from friends, family, and new people we have met here. Why did we leave Florida, why did we choose Colorado (originally Virginia), why this big transition and risk, especially when our entire family and all that my children have known is still in FL? I did find two posts about this dated in November 2010 and January 2011, shortly after I started the blog, when my readership was 2.

"The grass is greener where you water it..."

"If we don't change we don't grow, if we don't grow, we are not really living~ Gail Sheehy"

Something happens when two people with the same dreams get together. I will never forget that date in the tiny sushi restaurant.  F. and I sat face to face interrogating each other on our hopes and ideas for the future. We both were moved by nature---specifically mountains, forests, hiking, and an outdoor lifestyle. We both had experiences growing up that anchored our spirituality in these places. Our feelings were indescribable, yet completely identifiable...we were on common ground. Coming from different parts of the world, and having moved frequently as children, we both knew that Florida was not the end place for us.

After that the rest seemed to flow naturally--love, marriage, children, then a nice big house with a pool. We had everything we wanted, except that one big dream that we shared together in that sushi restaurant. We almost let it go. We reasoned that we had a wonderful life, why change anything? Yes, maybe we felt that something was missing, that somewhere we weren't completely satisfied. But wasn't what we had enough to pacify us, to say, it's okay, life IS good just the way it is?

When the economy tanked, that was when the idea that we would really stay in Florida hit me. It was a tough blow. I realized that I had hung onto that dream, even if only by a thread, knowing that I really felt that I--that WE--belonged elsewhere. That was four years ago. I wish I could say that there was some spectacular event that made us kick caution and comfort to the curb, when we purposefully stepped off the beaten path and onto the one less traveled. Reflecting on it now, I will say this:

Unschooling, peaceful parenting, and transforming our thinking from one of robotic existence to one of following our joy changed our lives completely.

We had a major shift within our understanding, that the only thing that stands in the way of positive change is our own belief, that for whatever reason, we just can't do it. The economy, a mortgage, a job, family, money, there will always be really good reasons not to follow our dreams. We finally came to understand that our reasons to actually follow our hearts, were better. Even if we fail, even if/when we make mistakes, lose, cry, falter, at least we know we tried. We gave it a shot. We had to try, following our joy left us with no other option. Isn't this what it's all about?

I fear I have rambled on a bit, but now you know. We are in a place that we have always dreamed about, a place that we can walk out the front door and mountains (though they call them hills here :) are there to greet us every morning. Here is a place that we can commune with nature, and be fulfilled spiritually. We are in a place where our children can understand the importance of their environment, their planet, their beginnings, and perhaps begin to grasp what spirituality really is.

I am so happy to be able to share this with you, maybe even inspire you in some way, to remember some lost dream that perhaps still hangs by a thread. Anything is possible. Anything.

xoxo

ps. I meant to join in Cory's Thrifty Thursday today, but obviously got sidetracked. Please go and visit her link up for thrifting prowess-ness!

A part and apart

Though the difference between "a part" and "apart" is only one single space, the complete separation of definition created by that space is what I am contemplating this morning in my meditation. I realize that I feed my spirit and mind regularly enough so that I am able to sustain myself emotionally every day, but eventually 2 legs on a 3 legged stool will not be enough. The third part of me has been set aside for over a year now, and I will tell you that it feels like a gray cloud following me around everywhere trying to catch up.

I have had such a tumultuous relationship with my body my entire life, but one thing is for certain, when I move, dance, sweat, I feel nourished and spiritually revived. The ways that physical exercise nourished me has changed much over the years, from the gym and all of its machines, to swimming, to gym classes like step, to Pilates, to Ashtanga yoga, and dancing, well, there was always dancing :). But all of that has stopped. For the first time in my life, my poor body has been quite neglected meaning no nothing--no regular hiking, no swimming, no yoga-- nada, zip. I canceled all my memberships last year as they were hardly being used anyway. I had come to loathe the gym and the machines in all its staleness (no offense to those that love the gym:). It seemed soulless to me, and I wanted to be outside where fresh oxygen was pumping and green life fluttered and breathed around me. I had believed that I would utilize my bicycle, the walking trail behind my house, the pool, and continue doing yoga in my home on my own, and I did, for a little while. Then it all gradually came to a halt. And with that halt, my body slowly transitioned from being a part of me, to something disconnected and very much apart from me.

I can blame whatever I want, but that really doesn't matter anymore does it? I don't find blame or excuse much useful anymore. The truth stands alone.
The neglect has slowly begun to eat away at my insides, and the outside, well it always works itself from the inside out anyway. Wholeness is not possible without all of its parts working, moving, and communing in harmony together. I know this. But knowing hasn't been very useful to me lately.

I have some new soul work to thank for pushing me to turn and face that cloud.  It is no longer the white elephant, but a large, gray, luminous cloud begging me for my attention.

I am listening.

It begins with one thought that turns into one decision. One step, one deep, long breath inviting energy, renewal, vibrancy, and life. It's about creating that beautiful space for my body to be one part of a whole again. It begins today. I know it won't be easy, creating space never is. But being ready is a good place to start.

And I am ready :).

with love
xx oo

Yarn Along ~ Heart and Soul

Joining Ginny over at Small Things for Yarn Along:
"~ Two of my favorite things are knitting and reading, and the evidence of this often shows up in my photographs. I love seeing what other people are knitting and reading as well. So, what are you knitting or crocheting right now? What are you reading? ... ~"

Thanks to Ginny's inspiration last week, I really wanted to make a heart garland of our own. But, I have to tell you, I tried using the teeny tiny thread with the teeny tiny crochet hook. Ugh. With my wretched eyesight and my less than nimble fingers, I gave up, and went with the 5mm crochet hook and thicker wool yarn :). I then decided, well, I never felted before, lets try it! I am happy with the way it turned out but I think it needs a few more hot water rinses to get rid of the waffle look. Any experienced felters out there have some more suggestions, I'll take them!!

Earlier this week in this post, I mentioned I've been doing some soul restoring. Is it coincidence that I've been reading this book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes? Full of stories about the wild woman archetype, Women Who Run With Wolves is pretty raw in having me contemplate that inner wild child. You know, the one that is never afraid to speak the truth (no matter the consequences), the one that marches to the beat of her own drum, the one that is fervently and inextricably tied to nature and the earth, the one that shuns conformity and shines from within.  Estes says we all have her within and the wild woman speaks to us via intuition. She also talks about what happens when that inner wild woman gets too constrained for too long, and what happens if she is let loose for too long. Very very interesting, really, and I am enjoying it.  A great match to my hearts this week :).

Being brave

I've started something  this weekend.  Something that is turning out to be much bigger than I had originally expected. Something good, really good, and I want to share it with you, especially apropos on Martin Luther King, Jr. day.

Originally, my thought was "Ok, this sounds fun and I'll probably learn some good art techniques. " So I went ahead and signed up for the 6 week Soul Restoration online class over at Brave Girl's Club.  I knew there would be some very positive talk, maybe some affirmation-type exercises, but, this is turning out to be far more than some fluffy feel-good creative art project.  There is some digging going on around here. Melody Ross, co-founder, artist, and instructor calls it "soul restoration".  I call it coming face to face with the current condition of my spirituality, and identifying honestly, if it is exactly where and how I want it to be.

I hadn't planned on digging so deep on this, not now, not when I have so many other things I want to do. But I think the Brave Girl's Club is onto something here.  If the source of all my thoughts, emotions, and actions stem from the condition of my spirituality, perhaps a little tending is in order? If all my integrity, hope, courage, as well as my doubts, fear, and negativity stem from the condition of my "soul house", perhaps it is a good idea to do a little soul housekeeping?  The voices in my head that say "Who has the time? I'm too busy! This is a luxury!" are exactly the thoughts I need to look at.  This is how a soul house turns decrepit from neglect. There is so much more to this than mod podge and paint. This is unearthing some dust and dirt. This is reconstructing a foundation and a source for strength. This is looking at how we really think of ourselves. This is being brave. 

It's too late to join in the online course now, but they do have a camp, and they do have an online community as well as daily emails.  Just take a peek, I highly recommend it.  And when the next online course comes up, just do it, be brave. I promise you won't regret it.

"If we don't change we don't grow, if we don't grow, we are not really living." ~ Gail Sheehy

My beautiful nephew

We were surrounded by friends and family this weekend and my heart warms just thinking about our time together. A time of sharing, laughing, playing, talking, and just being with each other. As the evening came to a close, and as so common it is with me, my mind began to swim about the decisions we have made and the change we are inviting, change that will alter everything we have ever known.

I began this blog only a few short months ago in October.  When I began, we were not here in FL, we were exploring Virginia and the prospect of uprooting our family and moving there. Several decisions later, we have committed to moving and committed to change. Our reasons to move? Simply because we have wanted this for so long--to be near the mountains, the four seasons, to have our own land and even hike in it, to grow something, to have animals, to show our children something more than pavement and amusement parks (please know we love our amusement parks!).  I do love the life we have had here and I am scared of leaving what we know behind.  But even so, I am even more scared of leaving a longtime dream behind.

I have written a lot about fear.  I use to resent it and blame it for past mistakes.  But in reflection, I know that my fear plays as much of a role in growth as courage does.  I should have known, it's the yin and yang again.  Balance.  Fear without courage would bring stagnation, courage without fear would be recklessness.  There is comfort in knowing that when growing, one can't happen without the other.  There is comfort in knowing that fear belongs here in the midst our change, gifting us with feeling closer to our family and friends, encouraging us to love and embrace them longer, and helping us remember to make our time together here, that much sweeter.  Okay...bitter--sweeter :).  That, I think, would be balance.

"The important thing is to not stop questioning." ~ Albert Einstein

I have explored many beliefs in my life, but the kind of spirituality I was always drawn to seemed indefinable in the mainstream sense. It had always been unplanned, intuitive experiences filled with feelings of wonder, peace, tranquility, and awareness. There was a common thread however, when these feelings would arise, and that thread was the outdoors, nature.  One day several years ago I picked up a book from the $10 table at a local bookstore. It was called Tao Te Ching and that is when I learned of Taoism. 


Now, I don't walk around telling myself I am a Taoist. But learning about Taoism has undoubtedly helped me reinforce the impact and importance that nature has on my life, as well as the laws of balance (insert shameless plug for hubs here).  There is no good without bad and no joy without pain. This is a good lesson I carry with me and try to remember on a regular basis. So when something is driving me nuts (hmmm, say the kids) in one moment, inevitably in another moment peace is around the corner.


As Kahlil Gibran has written " ...joy and sorrow are inseparable...together they come and when one sits alone with you... remember the other is asleep upon your bed."